Yes

My posts always make me sound so conceited :/

I care about what others think of me. I care a lot. I feel so refreshing admitting that, because soooo many people I know say they "don't give a fuck". And you know what?

Almost NONE of "idgaf" people have many friends. And if they do, they aren't that great of friends, or they don't stick around long. This reassures me that it's fine to care what people think of me, because I have plenty of friends. Why? Because I care enough to not do things that would make them not want to hang out with me. If that makes sense. Sure, I lose friends like everybody. But I always do, and pretty much always have, had plenty.

I don't want people to think I'm gross, mean, annoying, a party girl, a slut, whatever. Before I do something big, I constantly think about how it could potentially damage my reputation. Sure, I don't mind doing some annoying things, like yelling to my friends across the hall, or being the super talkative kid in class....but I don't see how girls can just hook up with dozens of guys while not giving a shit about the image they're setting in the public eye. I don't get how girls can draw all the attention to themselves CONSTANTLY without caring that they seem annoying. You know? Things like that. I value respect and friendship a lot, so I really try to keep all of that.

I occasionally have moments though, where I get comfortable, and I let something slip. I let my walls down. I do something that I know could get me less respect on a larger scale. I just did something like that, in fact. And it scared me. I don't like it. I don't like the thought of what I said just sitting there, exposed to everybody and their judgment. Okay, I make it sound like I think I'm the center of the world or something. I know I'm not! But I'm aware lots of people could see it, and it's making me nervous.

I tried to think of a depressing title for this, but laughed cause all the ideas were so cheesy.

You are so confusing. I'm telling you I have to go to bed as we speak, since talking to you is getting me so down right now. I hate overly flirtatious, overconfident boys, but right now it'd be useful. At least it'd be more clear. When I was flirting with you, you got all one-word-texter on me. And I asked if I was making you uncomfortable, and that sorry if I was, I was just kidding around. And you said, "alittle. its ok". Sounds stupid, but to me, that signifies that you officially don't like me. Since if you liked me, you'd have responded better. Right?... I'm honestly upset right now. Near crying. This happens way to often. I really like a guy, and think, "I'm finally gonna get a boyfriend again!"....and then it doesn't work out, and I get upset. I've liked you for soon to be a full semester, and I REALLY thought I had a chance. I won't list WHY I thought I had a chance, since I'll sound conceited. But I really did. I really, really did. And I tried sooo hard to get you. You're what I want in a boy. You're way respectful, you never make sexual jokes or anything about girls. I love that. A boy who isn't obsessed with boobs and sex. And one who I honestly thought I had a chance with.

Wrong as usual :'(


I sound so emo right now, I'm sure. But it's just so frustrating. I can be cute around a guy when I really like him. I can be funny, I can be nice. I don't mean to sound conceited, but yeah. I know my good qualities. So why why WHY did I get way more relationships when I was an annoying weirdo instead of now?


Michael, I'm reading your old blogs. I'm reading a survey you did in one on March 31st, and these made me laugh:

"Did you kiss anyone?
No

Did you do anything more than kissing?
Calm down"

"Pull any all nighters?
Caitlin and I sat by the fire and drank hot cider til 4:00 in the morning.


Get anything pierced?
My eye ball"


It's comforting reading peoples old stuff. I like knowing that everything turned out okay, before they technically did at the time.

Ughh!

I wish I could stop liking you, or that you'd let me know you like me back. You're so confusing. Although I think I subconsciously know you don't like me back. My mind is just trying to find any hints it can that you do return my feelings :/

I'm sure if I TRIED, I could get over you. But for now, you're all that really makes this fun...

:]

Things are going pretty darn great right now. I hope it lasts ♥

Really?

Whenever I hear you talk about your boyfriend, I listen patiently. I don't like him, but I still listen. But when you say that dreaded sentence, "he's the only one I feel safe around anymore", I want to stop you cold and ask you what about your other friends? I'm not going to say, "what about me?" because I'm not your best friend or anything. But your best friend treats you great. She always listens to you, and I've never heard of her judging you. You've never said ANYTHING bad about her to me. It just seems like she treats you great. In fact, it seems like all of your friends treat you great. So why are you saying that? I think it's absolutely selfish when people say that about their boyfriends. You had friends before him, and you will when he's long gone. Stop making him seem like the only true person in your life, because there are others. And always will be others.

Alexander McQueen was born in another world, I've decided.

Incredible.



ps. I've decided it's time to purchase some ankle boots, but not NEARLY as insane as those of course! Maybe....?


I ♥ Forever 21 for being the stereotype "classy girl" store it is.