When I'm in math, I always feel so bad for you. You're sort of the class joke, the kid that everyone picks on. If you make a mistake, even a small one, everyone makes fun of you and laughs at you endlessly, and I can tell it embarasses you. I think it's terrible how that certain person will be like, "gross, don't touch my stuff" or just act like you're a giant ball of germs. I remember when that girl even tricked you into thinking I had a crush on you. I can only imagine the mortification you must have felt when you came up to me and asked me out, only to have me say, "no...where did that come from?"
I feel bad for you, because I know exactly what it's like.
I'll watch the people in our class be complete dicks to you and treat you like you're literally a piece of crap, and I always, always think, "that used to be me."
I used to be that gross, loser girl, when I was in elementary school, and some of middle school. I always had friends, but the majority of people acted like some kind of flesh rotting disease was coming out of my pores. If I accidentally brushed against someone, or got to close, I remember most of the time they would pull away with a digusted face. Even though I didn't even do anything.
And that's what's happening to you. You're nice, you're mature, you're smart...but people can't see past your acnea, your smell, and your awkward clothes.
I know you've had a hard life. I know you've had family problems with drugs and jail. I know you're just trying to get by.
...and I just wanted to say I'm sorry, and I sincerely hope you turn out very successful in your life. You deserve better. Please, hang in there.
Sunday, May 31, 2009
Wednesday, May 27, 2009
"It's a story thar we beckon, it's a story and it ain't gonna end"
I love this warm weather, sooo much. Everything cheers up. Longboarding sessions and ice cream after school, happier music, the smell of fresh grass (sorry people with allergies!), funner lunches, smaller outfits ;], bigger smiles, louder laughs.
No more teeth chattering from the cold, no more ridiculous layers just to keep "sort of warm, no more fog and ice, and not as much unhappiness.
Goodbye winter gloves, hello sunscreen!
....I just wish you weren't leaving. What will happen when you're gone? :[
I need to stop complaining about you moving. You're kind of excited, I wish I could share the same enthusiasm for your sake. But then I remember, I just can't stay that happy for you because YOU'RE the one who's going to go off and have a new start. I'll still be here. Not that I don't like it here, I do. But I guess I'm just having a kind of selfish depression about this.
Actually, I take that back. There's nothing selfish about me not wanting you to leave. It means I adore you and want you around. And that's not selfish, I don't care what anyone says. Sorry.
No more teeth chattering from the cold, no more ridiculous layers just to keep "sort of warm, no more fog and ice, and not as much unhappiness.
Goodbye winter gloves, hello sunscreen!
....I just wish you weren't leaving. What will happen when you're gone? :[
I need to stop complaining about you moving. You're kind of excited, I wish I could share the same enthusiasm for your sake. But then I remember, I just can't stay that happy for you because YOU'RE the one who's going to go off and have a new start. I'll still be here. Not that I don't like it here, I do. But I guess I'm just having a kind of selfish depression about this.
Actually, I take that back. There's nothing selfish about me not wanting you to leave. It means I adore you and want you around. And that's not selfish, I don't care what anyone says. Sorry.
Thursday, May 21, 2009
Perfect weather does not help one focus
I'm putting off writing five poems for English, and am going to some productive venting.
Okay, I'm going to just say this straight out: I think you are completely ignorant for what your opinion on fighting vs. talking things out is. I seriously have almost no respect for you now. Talking things out is immature, and fighting IS mature? What the fuck? Where did you grow up, compton? FIGHTING is immature. Fighting someone just because you don't like them, or they were talking shit, or whatever, is so damn stupid. One of the most immature reactions you can have. I'm an extremely peaceful person most of the time, and when someone actually starts a physical fight, then SORRY but I will never let you be a close friend of mine. Friendships should allow mistakes. Ninety percent of people talk shit about all of their friends at some time in their life, and in some form. Now, with that in mind, what if the people they all talked shit about (even if it was just ONCE) decided to come up to them one day and punch them in the face, then proceed to beat the shit out of them and drop them as a friend? Can you imagine how terrible that would be? Nobody would be friends again, like ever. Just because they talked shit about them a time or two, or they just didn't like each other?
I know for a fact that all of my friends have said something bad about me. ALL of them, at some point. Maybe it wasn't even that bad, or maybe it was a full on I-think-she-is-such-a-dumb-bitch-sometimes session. Whatever. The point is, I got over it. I'm still friends with like all of them, except a few. And those few were mainly for other reasons. I mean, if I'm trying to drop them because they aren't good for me, the they-talk-shit-about-me thing helps me have a reason, but in the long term, it's whatever.
We're human. We're meant to be concerned for ourselves. We're social creatures of course, but it doesn't stop us from getting annoyed/tired/angry at friends and other people. And when we feel those negative feelings, our first instinct is to say something mean about that person. That way, we sort of make them sound inferior to ourselves, so we feel like they're not worth those bad feelings and we can just move on. We know what happiness is, and we have learned to want it all the time. Talking shit can help us feel better since it gets out negative feelings. The same with judging! Plenty of people judge every day, and I certainly have. Yes, I know, it's bad to do. But when you see some girl with her thong sticking out of her short-shorts, and a spandex tank top with her boobs hanging out, admit it: the last thing you'd think is, "she probably volunteers at the retirement home and brings all her friends I-love-you gift baskets once a month." No, you probably think she's a slut, or a trashy downtown girl. And that makes you feel better about yourself. You think, "I may be really unpopular and don't have a boyfriend, but at least I don't probably drink myself to sleep every night and have an STD case!" even though that girl that you're judging could in fact, volunteer at the retirement home and is waiting till marriage for sex.
Yeah yeah, I know how hurtful and upsetting it is when you hear a close friend called you annoying behind your back, or tells everyone she doesn't like you that much. Or maybe that girl who you've spoken to like twice HATES you and calls you a dumb bitch daily, when you've done nothing to her! I've been through all of that, and more. I was very unpopular in elementary school and middle school. People who I hardly even knew would pull away from me in disgust if I got to close, and I got called gross and annoying all the time. But all I wanted was to be friends! And now I have tons of those, thank goodness. The point is though, I KNOW how it is to be judged every single day, and I KNOW how it feels to hear a bunch of friends talk shit about you.
But I'm perfectly fine with that. Going through all that stuff will help you become a stronger person, and be able to deal with the hard stuff in life.
So listen up: if you hear a friend talking bad about you once or twice, for goodness sakes, don't freak out and tell them to, "stop talking shit or you'll beat their ass!". Be tolerant, and calmly tell them that it upsets you to hear that, and you would like them to not do that anymore. If you do this in a calm way, then congrats; you have been mature.
But if they ignore your warning, and keep talking shit over and over...THEN feel free to drop them ;]
Okay, I'm going to just say this straight out: I think you are completely ignorant for what your opinion on fighting vs. talking things out is. I seriously have almost no respect for you now. Talking things out is immature, and fighting IS mature? What the fuck? Where did you grow up, compton? FIGHTING is immature. Fighting someone just because you don't like them, or they were talking shit, or whatever, is so damn stupid. One of the most immature reactions you can have. I'm an extremely peaceful person most of the time, and when someone actually starts a physical fight, then SORRY but I will never let you be a close friend of mine. Friendships should allow mistakes. Ninety percent of people talk shit about all of their friends at some time in their life, and in some form. Now, with that in mind, what if the people they all talked shit about (even if it was just ONCE) decided to come up to them one day and punch them in the face, then proceed to beat the shit out of them and drop them as a friend? Can you imagine how terrible that would be? Nobody would be friends again, like ever. Just because they talked shit about them a time or two, or they just didn't like each other?
I know for a fact that all of my friends have said something bad about me. ALL of them, at some point. Maybe it wasn't even that bad, or maybe it was a full on I-think-she-is-such-a-dumb-bitch-sometimes session. Whatever. The point is, I got over it. I'm still friends with like all of them, except a few. And those few were mainly for other reasons. I mean, if I'm trying to drop them because they aren't good for me, the they-talk-shit-about-me thing helps me have a reason, but in the long term, it's whatever.
We're human. We're meant to be concerned for ourselves. We're social creatures of course, but it doesn't stop us from getting annoyed/tired/angry at friends and other people. And when we feel those negative feelings, our first instinct is to say something mean about that person. That way, we sort of make them sound inferior to ourselves, so we feel like they're not worth those bad feelings and we can just move on. We know what happiness is, and we have learned to want it all the time. Talking shit can help us feel better since it gets out negative feelings. The same with judging! Plenty of people judge every day, and I certainly have. Yes, I know, it's bad to do. But when you see some girl with her thong sticking out of her short-shorts, and a spandex tank top with her boobs hanging out, admit it: the last thing you'd think is, "she probably volunteers at the retirement home and brings all her friends I-love-you gift baskets once a month." No, you probably think she's a slut, or a trashy downtown girl. And that makes you feel better about yourself. You think, "I may be really unpopular and don't have a boyfriend, but at least I don't probably drink myself to sleep every night and have an STD case!" even though that girl that you're judging could in fact, volunteer at the retirement home and is waiting till marriage for sex.
Yeah yeah, I know how hurtful and upsetting it is when you hear a close friend called you annoying behind your back, or tells everyone she doesn't like you that much. Or maybe that girl who you've spoken to like twice HATES you and calls you a dumb bitch daily, when you've done nothing to her! I've been through all of that, and more. I was very unpopular in elementary school and middle school. People who I hardly even knew would pull away from me in disgust if I got to close, and I got called gross and annoying all the time. But all I wanted was to be friends! And now I have tons of those, thank goodness. The point is though, I KNOW how it is to be judged every single day, and I KNOW how it feels to hear a bunch of friends talk shit about you.
But I'm perfectly fine with that. Going through all that stuff will help you become a stronger person, and be able to deal with the hard stuff in life.
So listen up: if you hear a friend talking bad about you once or twice, for goodness sakes, don't freak out and tell them to, "stop talking shit or you'll beat their ass!". Be tolerant, and calmly tell them that it upsets you to hear that, and you would like them to not do that anymore. If you do this in a calm way, then congrats; you have been mature.
But if they ignore your warning, and keep talking shit over and over...THEN feel free to drop them ;]
Thursday, May 14, 2009
I remember:
the rush of feeling
the comfort of being with you, our own little universe
your smile, your giggle
the intensity of every feeling I had about you
the like, then the love
your sweet smell
your look
your cuteness
then,
the withdrawals
the want
the need.
And I was recently reminded of something, that brought all that back for just a minute.
....This all sounds quite emo. Maybe because we were doing poetry today in English? haha
I need to NOT get ahead of myself with these feelings. I need to slow down, and stop getting all hopeful again. That way, if this doesn't go how I want, then I won't be upset at all.
ps. I'm disapointed in you. I kind of liked you better before...
the rush of feeling
the comfort of being with you, our own little universe
your smile, your giggle
the intensity of every feeling I had about you
the like, then the love
your sweet smell
your look
your cuteness
then,
the withdrawals
the want
the need.
And I was recently reminded of something, that brought all that back for just a minute.
....This all sounds quite emo. Maybe because we were doing poetry today in English? haha
I need to NOT get ahead of myself with these feelings. I need to slow down, and stop getting all hopeful again. That way, if this doesn't go how I want, then I won't be upset at all.
ps. I'm disapointed in you. I kind of liked you better before...
Sunday, May 10, 2009
“It is great cleverness to know when to conceal one's cleverness”
Granted, I'll admit I'm not that school smart sometimes. I get pretty good grades (usually B's and C's), and I do my assignments and such. But I sure do have my blonde moments. I tilt my head a lot when I say, "huh?", and tend to do that wide-eyed naive face a lot. It takes me a bit to get some jokes and problems. And of course, sometimes, I just don't think, because I feel safe enough that I think nothing bad will happen if I just zone out and go with the flow.
But I think people underestimate one thing about me: I'm usually very, very, very people smart.
I can tell how a lot of people work, and why. I can easily try to see something from somebody else's point of view, and get how they feel. I actually try to imagine the feelings they have.
I can give great advice, and I'm not just saying that.
I can almost always tell if somebody is hiding something from me, but 90% of the time I will not say anything about because I don't want to cause drama. But I definitely do have my own intelligence. I got this from Rinnell (sorry Rinnell, please don't kill me for using this haha):
"girls often make the mistake of flaunting their intelligence and disappointing people. Do not wear your intelligence on your sleeve. Wear it in your back pocket. Because that's where guys look anyways. "
It took me a while to fully figure out what that meant, but I finally did. I do just that though, I hide my best intelligence and skills in my back pocket, and when people actually get to know me, I reveal it to them pretty fast. At first, I probably give off a total dumb blonde vibe, but you know what? I'm fine with that. If people think that they are smarter than you, and that you pose no threat, they will usually not bother being mean to you or really disliking you. Sure, there are those who will say things like, "Oh god, she is SO dumb! It drives me up the wall!", but that lets you know something: these people are probably judgmental and not worth your time anyways.
I don't have that many friends who lie, tell secrets, and back stab. Why? Because I'm actually smart, and know how to tell if someone will treat me good before I let them get close to me. I am a good friend most of the time (I'm human, so not ALWAYS, but most of the time), and I know I deserve good friends. I don't let liars and bad people get close to me, I know I'll get hurt.
I guess I've made my point with this, and I'm more just ranting now. I probably sound very conceited. My bad, I promise I'm not trying to sound full of myself or whatever.
But now you know: I have a brain, and can use it just as well as everyone else does.
But I think people underestimate one thing about me: I'm usually very, very, very people smart.
I can tell how a lot of people work, and why. I can easily try to see something from somebody else's point of view, and get how they feel. I actually try to imagine the feelings they have.
I can give great advice, and I'm not just saying that.
I can almost always tell if somebody is hiding something from me, but 90% of the time I will not say anything about because I don't want to cause drama. But I definitely do have my own intelligence. I got this from Rinnell (sorry Rinnell, please don't kill me for using this haha):
"girls often make the mistake of flaunting their intelligence and disappointing people. Do not wear your intelligence on your sleeve. Wear it in your back pocket. Because that's where guys look anyways. "
It took me a while to fully figure out what that meant, but I finally did. I do just that though, I hide my best intelligence and skills in my back pocket, and when people actually get to know me, I reveal it to them pretty fast. At first, I probably give off a total dumb blonde vibe, but you know what? I'm fine with that. If people think that they are smarter than you, and that you pose no threat, they will usually not bother being mean to you or really disliking you. Sure, there are those who will say things like, "Oh god, she is SO dumb! It drives me up the wall!", but that lets you know something: these people are probably judgmental and not worth your time anyways.
I don't have that many friends who lie, tell secrets, and back stab. Why? Because I'm actually smart, and know how to tell if someone will treat me good before I let them get close to me. I am a good friend most of the time (I'm human, so not ALWAYS, but most of the time), and I know I deserve good friends. I don't let liars and bad people get close to me, I know I'll get hurt.
I guess I've made my point with this, and I'm more just ranting now. I probably sound very conceited. My bad, I promise I'm not trying to sound full of myself or whatever.
But now you know: I have a brain, and can use it just as well as everyone else does.
Saturday, May 9, 2009
Random
Why oh why oh why do people get on Myspace JUST to post bulletins saying, "Myspace is so boring".
I don't really care or anything, but I just find it so pointless! hahahahaha
I went for a run with my dog, Chica, at the Monroe track today, and ran into Kenny. I love him, I haven't really talked to him in forever :[ He had his adorable rabbit, Isabel, with him, and we walked our pets together for a looong time and just talked. Very relaxing, except for Chica darting at Isabel a million times a minute haha
I'm brunette finally!
I don't know what else to post right now. Nothing super interesting is going on. Prom is happening about right now, oh well. No date for me, which is just fine. I will probably care next year, when I'm a junior, or when I'm a senior.
Maybe my next post will be more interesting haha.
I don't really care or anything, but I just find it so pointless! hahahahaha
I went for a run with my dog, Chica, at the Monroe track today, and ran into Kenny. I love him, I haven't really talked to him in forever :[ He had his adorable rabbit, Isabel, with him, and we walked our pets together for a looong time and just talked. Very relaxing, except for Chica darting at Isabel a million times a minute haha
I'm brunette finally!
I don't know what else to post right now. Nothing super interesting is going on. Prom is happening about right now, oh well. No date for me, which is just fine. I will probably care next year, when I'm a junior, or when I'm a senior.
Maybe my next post will be more interesting haha.
Friday, May 8, 2009
Wednesday, May 6, 2009
I'm close to crying
It seems like just yesterday that we were five or six and playing in your back yard, or having sleepovers constantly. Or teasing your little brother, or excluding your little sister. You constantly throwing tantrums because you were bipolar. PLAYING BARBIES EVERY TIME. Messing around with my beanie babies. Being little girls, having fun. So many memories, SO MANY.
...and now you're 16 or so, pregnant, and giving it up for adoption.
What. The. Fuck.
Where did our childhood go?!
I want to be little again, for a week or so, and then come back.
:'[
...and now you're 16 or so, pregnant, and giving it up for adoption.
What. The. Fuck.
Where did our childhood go?!
I want to be little again, for a week or so, and then come back.
:'[
Monday, May 4, 2009
So lazy
almost to lazy to write in this.
Ashleys 16th birthday was this weekend, went to the coast with Sydney, Ashley, Jacob, Sylvie, and Connor. It was veeeery fun :]]] I would write about it but I'm so unmotivated...happy birthday girl :D I know I already said it, and it's like three days later, but I will say it in my blog too! I LOVE YOU!
I kind of got knocked down last week. Ouchie. That always sucks.
I don't like when you flirt with me, then go and hit on my friend too. What is that all about!
Okay, I feel less guilty now that I wrote in this :]
Ashleys 16th birthday was this weekend, went to the coast with Sydney, Ashley, Jacob, Sylvie, and Connor. It was veeeery fun :]]] I would write about it but I'm so unmotivated...happy birthday girl :D I know I already said it, and it's like three days later, but I will say it in my blog too! I LOVE YOU!
I kind of got knocked down last week. Ouchie. That always sucks.
I don't like when you flirt with me, then go and hit on my friend too. What is that all about!
Okay, I feel less guilty now that I wrote in this :]
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)