Thursday, December 24, 2009

I tried to think of a depressing title for this, but laughed cause all the ideas were so cheesy.

You are so confusing. I'm telling you I have to go to bed as we speak, since talking to you is getting me so down right now. I hate overly flirtatious, overconfident boys, but right now it'd be useful. At least it'd be more clear. When I was flirting with you, you got all one-word-texter on me. And I asked if I was making you uncomfortable, and that sorry if I was, I was just kidding around. And you said, "alittle. its ok". Sounds stupid, but to me, that signifies that you officially don't like me. Since if you liked me, you'd have responded better. Right?... I'm honestly upset right now. Near crying. This happens way to often. I really like a guy, and think, "I'm finally gonna get a boyfriend again!"....and then it doesn't work out, and I get upset. I've liked you for soon to be a full semester, and I REALLY thought I had a chance. I won't list WHY I thought I had a chance, since I'll sound conceited. But I really did. I really, really did. And I tried sooo hard to get you. You're what I want in a boy. You're way respectful, you never make sexual jokes or anything about girls. I love that. A boy who isn't obsessed with boobs and sex. And one who I honestly thought I had a chance with.

Wrong as usual :'(


I sound so emo right now, I'm sure. But it's just so frustrating. I can be cute around a guy when I really like him. I can be funny, I can be nice. I don't mean to sound conceited, but yeah. I know my good qualities. So why why WHY did I get way more relationships when I was an annoying weirdo instead of now?


Michael, I'm reading your old blogs. I'm reading a survey you did in one on March 31st, and these made me laugh:

"Did you kiss anyone?
No

Did you do anything more than kissing?
Calm down"

"Pull any all nighters?
Caitlin and I sat by the fire and drank hot cider til 4:00 in the morning.


Get anything pierced?
My eye ball"


It's comforting reading peoples old stuff. I like knowing that everything turned out okay, before they technically did at the time.

Wednesday, December 16, 2009

Ughh!

I wish I could stop liking you, or that you'd let me know you like me back. You're so confusing. Although I think I subconsciously know you don't like me back. My mind is just trying to find any hints it can that you do return my feelings :/

I'm sure if I TRIED, I could get over you. But for now, you're all that really makes this fun...

Sunday, December 13, 2009

:]

Things are going pretty darn great right now. I hope it lasts ♥

Monday, December 7, 2009

Really?

Whenever I hear you talk about your boyfriend, I listen patiently. I don't like him, but I still listen. But when you say that dreaded sentence, "he's the only one I feel safe around anymore", I want to stop you cold and ask you what about your other friends? I'm not going to say, "what about me?" because I'm not your best friend or anything. But your best friend treats you great. She always listens to you, and I've never heard of her judging you. You've never said ANYTHING bad about her to me. It just seems like she treats you great. In fact, it seems like all of your friends treat you great. So why are you saying that? I think it's absolutely selfish when people say that about their boyfriends. You had friends before him, and you will when he's long gone. Stop making him seem like the only true person in your life, because there are others. And always will be others.

Saturday, December 5, 2009

Alexander McQueen was born in another world, I've decided.







Incredible.



ps. I've decided it's time to purchase some ankle boots, but not NEARLY as insane as those of course! Maybe....?


I ♥ Forever 21 for being the stereotype "classy girl" store it is.

Thursday, December 3, 2009

Five months

When you were in 7th or 8th grade, you told some people that your mom, and her mom, all got pregnant when they were 16 or so. And you jokingly told people that you wanted to be the first one to get pregnant at a better age. And now? You're 16, and pregnant.


I'm sad. Almost crying. You've come out about your secret, and I can guarantee people will be talking about it for the next couple weeks. It bugs me so much how people do that. They all gossip about personal things like this, and are so eager to spread it around. "Oh my god, did you hear she's pregnant??" Shut up, shut up, shut up :( I used to be one of those people, but then a girl got pregnant last year, and I noticed that a lot of people only talked to her when it was about the baby. They only seemed to care about her because she was pregnant. And behind her back, they'd gossip even more about it, and tell all their friends. Awful. I started thinking, really thinking, about how I'd feel if I got pregnant and people did that to me, and it affected me more than I thought it would. I don't do that anymore, and will try to never do it again. And I'm not even going to really talk about it when others are discussing it.

Maybe I feel this way because you and I are somewhat friends? You've slept over at my house, we have mutual friends. You're not just the random nice girl at my school who I've talked to a few times. I actually know you, and we actually go back to middle school. I care about you, and I don't think you deserve this shit at all. Ugh, I guess I am being kind of hypocritical writing a blog about this? But I'm not giving your name, or giving any hints, so hopefully it's okay. Anyways, I think you will be an incredible mom, and I honestly think your daughter is going to have an incredible life full of love and laughter, all thanks to you. I hope everything turns out alright.

Thursday, November 26, 2009

Thanksgiving

When I think over my life briefly during this Thanksgiving, there are a few things that stand out the most. The first is my family, and my home.

When I read the book Dreamland, about a girl named Caitlin whose boyfriend beats her, her family was just like mine. Her mom was a cheerful talkative woman, just like mine, and her dad was awkward but friendly, just like mine. She even had an older sister who left, just like my older brother who left for college. I remember thinking her house was so cozy with all the love and friendliness her family had. I didn't just think it, I knew it. Because that's just how mine is. When Caitlins boyfriend, Rogerson, starts abusing her, the author wrote it so well that you could totally feel her hurt and depression. I remember CONSTANTLY wanting her to go to her house and envelop herself in the safety and comfort her family/home provided. I do that whenever I'm super upset. I go home, and I think about how the school drama I'm dealing with can't touch me at home. Because home has my family in it. Home has my incredible mother. Home has my wonderful, protective father in it. Home has my pets, my room, my personal belongings in it. Home for me has no drama or pain. Home for me is pure love and comfort. This all sounds so cheesy, I'm sure. But my home and family are my shield against all the outside pains I have to deal with. I know that at home, I don't have to deal with friend problems or school drama if I don't want to. I have my family, and I know they love me, and I love them. And I am very, very, very thankful for all of that.

My religion -
Converting from Christianity to Wicca in 7th grade was the best decision I've ever made in my life. Dead serious. You hear people talk about how their god changed their life for the better. Until I converted, it was just words to me. Now I completely understand. The My life has improved so much since then. I'm religious now, I try to pray often, and I always feel like I have more hope than I did before. I don't talk about it much with others, it's more of a private thing for me, but I would like to talk about it here. Four about 4 1/2 years now I've been Wiccan, and the religion still entrances me. It's everything I could ask for. It motivates me to try and be a better person in every way, and it's put a spark back in my life that wasn't there before. I'm so incredibly thankful for it, you have NO idea.

Me -
When I was in elementary school/middle school, I was such a loser. Few people liked me, lots of people thought I was gross. I dressed terribly for the most part. Boys didn't like me, and I was not attractive. Then....I changed. I got better style. I got better looking (in my opinion anyways). More people hung out with me, I got a better personality. I have way more guy friends now too. You might think I'm conceited/lame for putting this in here, but I don't care. If that transformation hadn't happened, I'd still be constantly depressed I bet. Some people would still be awful to me. I'd still be a loser who few people genuinely liked. I'm so grateful for the change. I've loved my life a lot more since then, and am a happier person. And I very, very, very thankful for that.

My friends -
I don't mean to make my friends seem less important because I put them in last, I just kind of wrote things in the order I thought of them in. Since so many of my friends are different, this could easily turn into a full essay :/ I want to keep this kind of short though, so here goes: my friends are wonderful. I'm talking about the true, loyal friends I have. Not the ones who tell peoples secrets, or spread gossip. I mean the super good ones, like Kate and Danielle and Lacey. Going through high school has made me re-evaluate friendships many times. And when I thought about it, I realized that there are few who I REALLY trust. But I'm not thinking of that right now. I'm really just grateful for the friends who say hi to me in the halls. Who text me during holidays and my birthday to wish me a good one. Who come over and talk to me during class. Who trust me with their secrets. Who enjoy talking to me enough to want to hang out with me and text me. Who really notice and care when I miss school that day. Who TRY to fit me into their schedule. Who are willing to do little favors for me. Who give me gum, and sips of their drinks. Basically, people who see me and notice me, and don't just walk right by me in the halls. These people make me feel cared for and liked at school, and I am VERY thankful for it. I love you all :)

Happy Thanksgiving everyone!

Wednesday, November 25, 2009

I never know what to title these anymore...

Whenever I see you, I always get the urge to be popular. Not friends with everyone in school popular, but the stuck-in-the-preppy-girl-clique popular. You know? I guess you dropping me as a friend because you got popular makes me feel like this. I forget about you a lot of the time, but when I look at all your facebook pictures with the "cool" girls and the charismatic jock boys, I'm reminded of what you dropped me for. I'd like to congratulate you though with sincerity. You got your dream. You are now bffs with the cool girls, you're incredibly beautiful, and you have a popular boyfriend. Everyone who knows you seems to love you. I don't have a problem with you, but here's my issue. I always want to impress you, to let you know that I'm not the ugly middle school loser you once knew. I'm cool now, I can honestly say that. I've been assured I'm pretty. I've been told I have cute style. I'm not super annoying anymore. I'm hardly ever fake to people, if I like them then I'm nice, if I don't like them then I'm mean. People hang out with me.
But, I'm guessing they're not the RIGHT people in your book. Most of them aren't "cool" to you. Whenever I see you, it feels like the annoying little middle school girl in me comes out. My voice seems to automatically get high pitched and annoying when I talk to you. It's so irritating. I can always see in your eyes, and the way you regard me, that you still think I'm lame.

I just want you to see that I'm COOL now. I'm friends with lots of people. I know I know, so conceited, but I really needed to get this out....

:/

Saturday, November 14, 2009

Mhm

No matter how independent I make myself, I still need reassurance that I'm important. And that I'm needed.

Tuesday, November 10, 2009

"Disappointment is the whiplash of emotions"

I've gotten so discouraged in math these past couple days. My grade is currently a 60.6&. Almost an F. I got 26.5 out of 50 on our final type test, and I seriously was trying not to cry the for the rest of the class, plus History. The really upsetting thing, when it all boils down, is that I actually tried this time, and I tried my hardest. I put all my effort into this term, did my absolute best, and still failed. I know, a D isn't failing technically. But for college it is, and that was my motivation. I can't accept a D anymore, I have much higher standards. Well, in other classes anyways. I guess it's sort of a trade off. In high school, I don't think I've gotten anything lower than a C+ in any other classes. Except math (and spanish and science, shhh). That's a C, or lower. But other classes are usually really easy for me. History? Easy. I was the first one finished with our vocab exam today and I got an 18 out of 20. I hardly even studied, maybe for about three minutes. Gym? I don't like it, it's tedious, but it's gym. English? Walk in the park, most of the time. It's just reading, and remembering. Same with basically every other class. Computers, health, blah blah blah. It's just easy for me.

Math however, is the most frustrating thing to me. When we got our tests back, I went and talked to Mrs. Childs at lunch. I asked her if there was anything, anything, I could do to get my grade up, because I had been trying so hard. She spent several minutes telling me she knows I've been trying very hard and have made a huge effort. She told me I've improved so much from last year, and if she could, she would honestly give me an A+ for effort. But, she couldn't change my grade. She then told me not to discouraged. I kept crying whenever I would think of that today, because how can you tell me not to get discouraged when I tried my HARDEST I've ever tried in a class, and still just got a 60.6%? I guess this post is kind of boring, since it's just about trying to pass a math class. But I'm so determined to pass math, and I'll seriously bawl my eyes out if I have to take it again. Honestly. I don't think I could do it :'(
One term down, one to go.

Sunday, November 8, 2009

Gaps

It bugs me how awkward/uncomfortable I can get. When people spill their problems to me lately, I tend to just make jokes about it and avoid getting into emotional talks. I've noticed that sometimes when I give people big, supportive speeches, my voice cracks a lot. I almost cry. And it drives me up the wall! I guess that's taught me to steer away from those kinds of talks unless it's important. But if it's just a little problem that I know they'll get over, I just joke my way out of it. I hate it. I used to be super affectionate, and was always up things like that. I used to love giving people hugs and was always yelling, "I love you!" at my friends in the hall. But now I never give hugs, and when I do, they can be so uncomfortable. I never tell people I love them, just vaguely return it. I actually know who influenced me to be like this. I would still be super affectionate if not for the person. But I won't name then because it really doesn't bother me that much. The speech thing does, but I didn't get that from anyone. I brought that on myself. And I'm working on these things anyways.

I just wish I was more touchy feely with people. But another thing that makes it hard is being bi. I've had girls be uncomfortable because of that, and I've just learned not to try to and be all friendly with them anymore, even if I know they won't judge me or make assumptions. It's just a habbit. I wish it would leave..




^^^
ps. Completely different topic, but hahahahaha story of my life!

Sunday, November 1, 2009

Warmest feelings

I have to write this quick, before my dad comes back and needs on. Last night was Halloween. And it was the best one I've ever had. All of us at Connors house. And my favorite part was how trusting we all were with each other. Our secrets and personal things spilled out left and right. And the whole time, you could feel a giant atmosphere of trust. This wasn't stuff you'd tell just anyone. This was personal stuff. And you could tell nobody was worried about people telling.

And just to reassure you guys; I won't break that trust.



ps. So cute!

Wednesday, October 21, 2009

"Tears make a thirsty girl"

1. You once told me one of the things I did that annoyed you most was how often I brought out yearbooks to look at with you (which I can ASSURE you was because you often talked about people I didn't know so it was handy to be able to look them up). It affected me so much, since that was one of the last things I expected you to dislike about me, much less include in your talk to me about the stuff I did that bugged you. It was like a hit I wasn't expecting, which is why I'm still affected by it. I hardly even noticed that I did it, and then BOOM, it's one of the things about me that you really don't like. Last night, I looked at two of them from Monroe. I ALWAYS find it interesting to see how people have changed since then. You may have made me incredibly self conscious of doing it, but that won't squash my love for it. Anyways, there is no fucking escaping you. Inside jokes with you were written on every other page. "Passport" and "WE ARE CRUMPETS" are the two I remember the most. I had completely forgotten about "passport". We got it from the movie Sneakers, which Mr. Stevens made us watch. I burst out laughing when I saw it and began to text you about it, but as soon as I finished typing, "Hahahahahaha so I was looking at our 8th grade yearbook" I stopped and immediately felt a pang of depressing realization that any mention of yearbooks was off limits to you. I feel like I can't tell you I was looking at them, ever. Because it seems like you think I live in the past to much, I guess. Maybe I do? Not that I don't like my life now. But the past always seems so much more colorful than now does. And fun. Plus, I've never adored change much. And back then, I had nothing much to worry about. That's not the whole reason, of course. I'll remind you again that I simply like seeing how people have changed. Anyways, I exited out of the text, feeling sad. I remember telling you sincerely that when you were ready to be friends again, I would be happy to comply. But you obviously don't, and your world has moved way way wayyy on by now. I accept that, at least I think I do. But I still teared up when I saw your 8th grade picture, and pictures of you in general back then. I wish you hadn't hurt me so much :[ I still miss you, and look at me now. Making blogs like this about you for the world to see. I'm so fucking sorry, I'm so so so fucking sorry. I wish I could make myself be more mature about this, but I just need to get it out.. I'm crying a little bit writing this, moving on.

2. I just went in your room about ten minutes ago, looking for socks (mine always go missing and mom told me to look in your drawers). I teared up a little, I always do when I go in there now. Even though you like NEVER talked or interacted with us, I still get sad knowing you're miles away, and will probably never move back home.It's also depressing how much you left here. DOZENS of books, clothes, etc. Like you're just away at a friends. It's weird how you're finally out beginning your life, but it actually looks like you left your life here.

Friday, October 2, 2009

"Journey into the people"

Oh my god, I'm watching videos we made together, while dancing and just hanging out to Eiffel 65, and it's making me miss you SO much.

Monday, September 28, 2009

It's funny how your parents are a hundred times more strict, controlling, and conservative than mine are, yet you're way more out of control than I've ever been. I know why, it's because they kept you under control for so long, and once they finally gave you a chance to rebel, you did all the way because it felt so good to be free. Almost as if to make up for all the years you DIDN'T do that stuff. Drinking, smoking, and partying all the time. Meanwhile, I, whose parents tend to completely trust, prefer staying at home on most weekends and reading or watching a movie. I've had way more freedom to rebel than you. And I did, but not NEARLY as much as you did/do. I tried smoking, I tried drinking, I tried all that a few times. And I stopped. By my own choice. Just because I didn't like it much. Yet once your parents eased up on you, you do it literally every day now. Hearing the stuff you say about your partying to your friends makes you sound so retarded, and you'd realize it too if you just stepped back and listened to yourself. It's annoying, I miss the old you who wasn't super into that stuff....I know how annoying it is when people say stuff like this about drugs and such, but whatever. None of this will really matter in a few years I imagine, so why not?

Yep.

Saturday, September 26, 2009

Honestly, one of the perfect nights for me is just sitting at home, on my computer, watching a movie I just downloaded. While facebooking, or on yahoo answers. And eating dinner :]

A perfectly unsocial way to spend my weekend nights, but I don't mind. I'm not a party girl, big groups freak me out and I always get so shy. A sleepover is really all I do when I'm feeling in the mood for people. You know?

Monday, September 21, 2009

"Cheesy quote about your roots not defining you goes here"

"The judgement wasn't helped by his gentle nature. Where his sire had been a fierce, almost violent competitor, Seabiscuit took to sleeping for huge chunks of the day. Enjoyed lolling for hours under the burrs of the juniper tree. His other great talent was eating. Simmons decided the horse was lazy, and felt sure he could train it out of him. When he didn't improve, they decided the colt was incorrigible. They made him a training partner to better horses, forcing him to lose head to head duels to boost the confidence of the other animal. Soon he grew as bitter and angry as his sire before him had been. He was sold for the rock bottom price of $2,000. And of course, it all made sense. Champions were large, sleek, and without imperfection. When they finally did race him, he did just what he was trained to do: he lost."


Monday, September 14, 2009

"Living for today but you just can't find tomorrow"

Whenever I notice a lot of people having a hard time in life, or just being depressed, I always get a little nervous/scared, but also feel lucky, cause I'm perfectly fine at the moment.
Is that selfish?



Umm Kate, can I tell you what I just realized? Since we're gonna have a free 2nd together, it'll be in the last semester. Aka during winter. And that means we can bring each other stuff and hang out when we're sick! SCORE!
I love taking care of people when they're sick. It's just fun :D

"Today, my boyfriend showed me that the word of the day was pocket on MLIA today and said someone else had posted something about finding a whole bunch of things in his pockets because of this. He then said I should do the same. I looked and found a diamond ring. Thank you, MLIA."

"Today, I was talking with my mom, and she told me that when she was young, one of the reasons she wanted to come to the U.S. was because she wanted to see squirrels. if she hadn't come to the US, she wouldn't have married my dad. I owe my existence to Squirrels. MLIA "

Sunday, September 13, 2009

Sunday, August 30, 2009

I always feel like I give off a nasty vibe because I think so many mean things about, like, everything. I keep about 90% of those things to myself, but still, you get the point. And I'm always so surprised when people are all happy and excited to see me.

I just feel like all the negativity would show on me and make people feel like they should stay away, you know?

Monday, August 24, 2009

My religion makes me soo happy.
I just thought I would get that out :]

Saturday, August 22, 2009

Friday, August 21, 2009

:/

Why am I so bad at keeping friendships strong? I've had dozens, DOZENS of people I've hung out, yet the only ones I've managed to keep a strong, constant friendship with are Kate and Danielle, and usually Lacey.
I get tired of people so fast, and they get tired of me too. I hate it. I hated being that girl who was really annoying and everyone got sick of fast back in middle school, but at least I always wanted to hang out with people. Now, I just kind of sit, and wonder who I can hang out with that I'm not tired of at the moment. I don't know why I do it. I tend to hang out with someone once, and then hardly ever talk to them again, unless they go to my school.


I miss everyone. I miss Casey, I miss Jordan, I miss Michael, I miss Kenny, I miss Hannah, I miss Jessica C, I miss Alison, I miss Mariah, I miss Nichole, I miss Kenzie, I miss Shelby, I miss Kayla, I miss Sylvie, I miss Noelle, I miss Mary, I miss Aubrie, I miss Ashley, I miss Erin, I miss Tus, I miss Joey N, I miss Sienna, I miss Cheyenne, I miss Britny, I miss Chelsea, I miss Savannah W, I miss Jami, I miss Sydney, I miss Naima, I miss Julia L, I miss Sharon, I miss Rinnell, I miss Aleah, I miss Brittany, I miss Tyler, + MANY more who I can't think of right now.

I haven't seen about 3/4s of those people in way, way to long. And it's all because I'm so lazy.
I decided I wanted people who were GOOD friends, so I weeded out the people who told everybody's secrets and didn't really treat their friends that well...and lost a few people.
People wanted to weed me out THEIR lives, and they did....and I lost even more of those people.
I hung out with everyone at some point, then got to lazy to keep in contact with them that often...and lost just about all of the remaining people.
And now? I have almost no close friends anymore. They're all just people I talk to from time to time. I can hardly remember who the majority of my old, middle school friends were, since it's been so long.

I would have so many more friends if I just weren't so picky. Unless someone is an ULTRA close friend of mine, then I will judge them and not trust them if they tell me other peoples secrets, or talk shit about their other friends. Because if they can do that about other people, then what's to stop them to doing that about me? I know I have flaws, so I know there's a chance they would. I'm not stupid, I usually know when someone is going to hurt me. And to avoid that, I drop the person. Unfortunately, that backfired on me and I have almost nobody now.


I would still trust so many of my old friends, and tell them my secrets. I just need to see them all again :/

I need more friends please?

Tuesday, August 18, 2009

Mommy <3

I've always loved my mom, I've always thought she was so cool. We've had our bad moments, but I've always been a mommas girl, and most likely always will be.
And today, it just proved to me once again how great she is.


We went to go get me re-evaluated for ADHD, and my mom sat in with me while the lady was asking me questions.

"What do you and your parents fight about?
"Do you ever get depressed?"
"What are your hobbies?"

Easy questions, answered in a snap. Then...

"Have you ever tried pot, Hilary?"

How do I get out of that? I, and many other high schoolers, have. But that's not something I want to admit in front of my mom. But just like that, my mom is cool with it. "It's okay honey, go ahead. I know you have."

I sort of fidget, and say, "....maybe once or twice....but I didn't like it." Then I look at my mom and say, "I mean that mom. I really didn't like it." and she just nods and looks at me like it's fine.

"Have you ever drank alcohol, Hilary?"

Again, stop asking me these things in front of my mom! But before I can speak, my mom goes again. "Yes, she has. I know she has. One time, she made this video for a friend where she took a swig of rum...blah blah" and just like that, she's fine with it. Nothing in her tone of voice that's bad. No looks at me like, "we're having a talk later" or "I can't believe you". Just total casualness.

And then, "last question like this, Hilary. Have you ever smoked a cigarette?"

I just make a retching noise and stick out my tongue. And my mom laughs and says, "I'm sure she has haha. Everyone her age has at some point, I'm sure."

This whole time, she has a nice, easy, good hearted tone. She knows I've smoked, she knows I've drank, and is fine with it. No anger, no resentment, and the biggest relief of all, no disappointment. Don't get me wrong, my mom would definitely be pissed off if she caught me doing any of that stuff red handed. She's not one of those trashy, irresponsible moms who let their kids go out and get wasted. She's a good mommy.
But I'm so, so glad, that she was cool with hearing all that. On the drive home, it didn't get mentioned once. There wasn't a bad vibe in the air, just neither of us mentioned it. Like she just got over it. It feels like a wall between us got knocked down, and I'm so relieved ♥

ps. After that, she took me to Borders and got me two new books. And then took me home and cut me up some watermelon :]]] See? Great mom!

Saturday, August 15, 2009

: I :] : I

I'm glad you talked to me yesterday.
I'm glad you didn't offer to be friends again.
I'm glad you didn't tell me we should hang out sometime.
I'm glad the conversation wasn't super awkward.
I'm glad you had the kindness to ask me how I was, and give me details on the drama in your life lately.
I'm glad you didn't reply when I told you to text me again sometime (because I regret saying it).
I'm fine with the fact that we're not friends anymore.
But I'm very glad to know that you don't hate me.

Tuesday, August 11, 2009

Negative thoughts controlled my world

When we were talking on AIM a while ago, and I was explaining my situation to you, you told me to just ask you know who, "is ____ mad at me? Because she won't talk to me!" and then if she gave kind of a vague answer, for me to say, "well could you please ask her to call me or something? Cause I really want to talk to her." Thank you so much for that. Not just because it was good advice, but you opened my eyes to something. What you were suggesting just sounded so innocent, but at the same time, it wasn't a way to beat around the bush. It was just a way to ask what was up, and a way of asking for her to tell me the truth. And I hadn't done that kind of thing is quite a while. This probably makes no sense, and it might get a little more confusing here.

For the last several months, without it realizing it at ALL, I've subtly convinced myself that almost nobody is a good person, with some exceptions. That all boys are bad news. That I can hardly trust anyone besides you and about two other people, maybe one. That this world is way darker than it really is, and I should just rely on myself to get through it. Well, rely on you too of course (you're one of the few people who NEVER is subjected to my negative thoughts and paranoia about trusting). The best way I can describe this feeling is that all I've been seeing is blackness. Like my eyes were closed. I don't know why. I think it started when I noticed that a lot of people told secrets, and talked shit about their friends. For a long time lately, I've been using subtle, manipulative methods to find out things, and try and solve problems. Because I don't want to cause drama. That's pretty much the main reason. I don't want to cause fights or piss people off. I don't want to get in peoples faces. And that fear got way out of control, and became my main way of dealing with fights and problems.
When you told me, all casually and normal, to just ask, it was like my eyes were suddenly wide open. That's even more proof to me that you don't let any negativity in this world get to you, and that you do see good in everybody. The way you suggested that to me told me that you didn't think anything super bad would happen if I just asked, like, "what's the worst that can happen if she just asks?", while I had written off "just asking" long ago, without even knowing it. Because I had accidentally convinced myself that if I was that direct about everything, people would get annoyed, or mad, and something bad would happen. While you on the other hand, knew that most people are better than that, and it would go just fine and dandy if I just asked. And it did.

This has potential to become extremely long and complicated of a post, so I will just say this:
Thank you for reminding me (without even realizing it) to be upfront, and to just do what I need to. This is such a random time to post this, but really. Thank you.

Monday, August 10, 2009

Nervous

I wish I had a treadmill right now, so I could run off this feeling without going outside. I always tend to get side aches, or get tired to fast, when I run outside. Sooo doing it inside is my thang ♥

Wednesday, August 5, 2009

DLNGKGJF

KBFDHBFGHJHJBDFHJDFG

Saturday, August 1, 2009

Oh my god

I have to post this now, while the feeling is still here.


I just looked at a newish picture of you, and wow, all the memories and feelings it brought back. It's too bad we're not friends anymore. Well okay, it's actually kind of good because of all those reasons, but man, I feel like we'd still be having just as much fun as we used too. I mean, we go all the way back to 6th grade, when you were my best friend.


Do I miss having you in my life though? Barely.

Sorry, this post is kind of pointless.

Sunday, July 26, 2009

Danielle

"The tenth day before I left
Everything was just fine
She must have waited to cave in
On that day nine
This severly effected the eighth and seventh night
But that still didn't make me feel like the time was right
To say goodbye

Say goodbye to you my friend
Say goodbye

Ten, nine, eight, seven
Sixth day before I left
We pretended things were fine
Even though the ninth day cave was acting as both our minds
Fifth day and counting
Well she found it astounding
When I told her I didn't want to miss her while she was in my surroundings
The fourth day was new with her
Same question asked again
Once you're gone how long til I get my depth perception back again?
At that I had the same flabbergasted face for most of the third and second days
The final day before I left came and i still had nothing to say"


"I'm weird 'cause i hate goodbyes
i got misty eyes as they said farewell"



It's Sunday. I've been fine these past couple weeks. I know you're leaving tomorrow morning, off for Texas. And I've been handling it quite well until now. I went to Siennas to give you the scrapbook I made with help from Lacey for you. You loved it, you kept saying, "I can't believe you made a scrapbook for me!" over and over. You said thank you, but I want to thank YOU for liking it so much. I was happy to give you something you loved before you left for good. It's still not good enough though. I think you deserve something way better for all the good you've brought into my life. The lessons you taught me. I know I've told you this more than once, but you've made the biggest difference in my life. I honestly don't think I'd be a very good friend if you weren't in my life. Like, you taught me not to talk bad about my friends when we were in 7th grade. I remember I was venting about someone to you on AIM, and you said, "well she's my friend so I can't talk crap about her, but I'm sorry that sucks. I hope things get better". I don't really know anyone else who has actually said, "so and so is my friend so I can't talk crap about them". Everyone else tends to just say like... "I love so and so, I don't wanna say anything about her since she's my friend, but she is pissing me off so much lately..." blah blah blah. Well there are exceptions, but those are to complicated to explain. I really looked up to you, I still do, so that's how I learned that. I know, every time I tell you how you've helped me, I always use that as an example. But it's one of the first things that comes to mind.

I should think of something else for once.

I'd be a lot more upset about this, but I keep reminding myself that you can probably visit every single break. Winter, spring, and probably most of summer. I hope you can, and as selfish as this sounds, I hope you don't change. You're such a good person. SUCH a good person. You give off the most positive aura at times, I love it. You're a walking talking ball of energy and life. You don't let anyone corrupt you, or ruin your life, you just let them in it for good reasons. You're just you, your existence has never been linked to someone else. You're not, "so and so's little sister", or, "so and so's friend". You're just you. I've never once thought of you as just another person, except for when I didn't know you and you were just that random girl in my 7th grade science class. I'm so glad we became friends, all over AIM too. And then we actually started hanging out in person and such, and you became one of my best friends.
Now, you're like my other best friend. And you're moving to Texas tomorrow.


I'll miss you so much, I already do. I think I'll start crying, I'm already misty eyed writing this. When you gave me that last long hug, I started tearing up, but held it back. I asked you to please bring me presents on a horse and in a cowboy hat for Christmas, so I'm glad there was some humor in that last goodbye haha.


I love you and will miss you. I hope Texas treats you well, and you find happiness there. You deserve it.
<3

Tuesday, July 21, 2009

:]

I've come to realize that I tend to only write in here when something is wrong, or to complain about something.





So here is a happy post.
Everything is going good right now, so far anyways. Not just good, GREAT. I love it. I love this weather, I love my friends, I love my family, I love my days. I love this summer.
Hopefully it will continue being so good :D

Friday, July 17, 2009

"Why do I tire of counting sheep?

Ten million fireflies
I'm here because I hate goodbyes"



Ugh.
I texted you, tried the only way I could at the moment to see if things could be fixed, or if they were even broken at all.
But no reply.
I can't help but wonder if you didn't get it, or just didn't want to reply.
I really hope you won't talk to me about it in person. I'm so emotional, if we get into a big hard talk about our problems, then I'll cry. And won't be able to talk. I'm not the only one who's like this, I know so many other people. It's not like I'm to big of a pussy to talk out stuff in person. But I've learned that when it comes to big fights and talks about problems, I tend to cry really easy, and it gets hard to speak. So the talk doesn't actually go anywhere :/


Maybe I just need to wait?

Wednesday, July 15, 2009

Just go, just go

I'm scared/nervous, but I have to do this. I feel like our friendship is doomed to this weird tension forever if I don't. Texting you now, since I can't see you in person.



Here goes...

Tuesday, July 7, 2009

"We sailed from where we once begun."

I know this probably sounds super lame and like Myspace is my life or whatever


....but it's really comforting seeing myself still on your top 8 :]]] Makes me feel like we're still just as good as friends despite our lack of communication lately.


I'm going to call you tomorrow and ask you to hang out for the first time in a while <3
Miss you Kenny!

Sunday, July 5, 2009

Awww




I'll be surprised if that doesn't make you smile a least a little :)








July 27th will not be a good day. I'll miss you so much :'[

Friday, July 3, 2009

"If you have one true friend, you have more than your share." - Thomas Fuller

I have the perfect best friend. Yes, go ahead and say that about yours all you want. But basically everybody I've met, they have a best friend who talks shit about them, lies to them, is mean to them, or just doesn't treat them good. I've met a few exceptions of course. I can't tell you how much I love it when I see two best friends who treat each other wonderfully and keep each other safe from the hellish blizzard of drama that school and normal life brings. It's so nice to know that these people have at least ONE person who will always be a sort of sanctuary from the poison around them. Who sincerely enjoys being around them, stands up for them, always gives good advice, always cares in general, and is just good to and for them.
That is exactly what a best friend should be. They shouldn't be the thorn in your side, they should be the kind person who pulls it out (I hope that doesn't sound to stupid haha). But you know what I mean? When you have one of those days when a couple friends screw you over, but it feels like EVERYONE has, and you wonder who you can trust...your best friend should be the first person to come to mind. If you can't trust your best friend, they shouldn't be your best friend. Search elsewhere, there is one out there. But if your best friend doesn't screw you over, then you scored big time. And should never let them go.

Which brings me to the point of this: today, July 3rd, 2009, my best friend Kate Elizabeth Landon turns 16. We've been friends since girl scouts in about 1st grade. We're juniors now. That's ten years of knowing each other. Ten years of talking, laughing, telling stories, and sharing memories. Ten years of fun, fun, fun. Ten years of friendship.
AND I get to call her my best friend. Come on, knowing each other for ten years AND getting to be best friends? That's time and friendship in the same thing. How much better could you get? :]]]
Since we have a habbit of reminding each other how much we mean to each other on our birthdays, I'm going to keep that going this year. And I'm putting it in my blogspot, since we both loooove writing in these things, and agree these are incredible helpful for our sanity at times. I don't mean to offend any of my other friends in this by the way, so if you read it, please don't be upset or offended. I don't mean to make it sound rude. Here goooooes!


Dear Kate Landon!

You are the best friend I have. I will say that right now. No offense to my other friends, but you're my best friend so you're just special. I have told you that plenty of times, in person and through texting/myspace/AIM, all that. And I mean it. Every. Single. Time. There are so many things you do for me and our friendship that I adore. I'm pretty sure we have both tried to list every single thing, and it's never worked. There are to many small things to list, and it's to hard to list every single big thing. So, these are my favorites :]

You don't talk bad about me, ever. You keep every single secret I tell you. You are always always always nice to me. You don't even make mean jokes to me, which I honestly appreciate (those things just get to you after a while, you know!). You always have the perfect, nearly flawless advice for any situation. And you always make me feel better, or at least try. Even if you have no idea who the people I'm talking about are, or don't really get the feel of the situation. You almost always let us sleep over at your house, even though I know you like despise staying at your house half the time and we have fun at mine even though I always insist it's boring and has no furniture (I stick with my furniture argument however ;]). You are always fun to be around, even if you're tired or grumpy. Even if we're not really talking or laughing, I always love being around you simply because you're such an amazing, good friend to me, and it's just awesome knowing there's still at least one person who I know genuinely cares about me. I hope I don't sound conceited saying that hahaha. But you know what I mean. I think it's really cool and patient of you to let me show you 9573475438 videos on youtube when we both think it's annoying when people are like, "OMG WATCH THIS VIDEO IT'S SO FUNNYYYYY", or let me show you a million songs I like that you don't always end up liking. It's really sweet of you to tolerate that, and I seriously appreciate that so much. Thank you thank you thank you :]]] I'm one of those people who sometimes goes crazy showing people stuff that I like, and I know it get annoying. I wanna thank you very much right now for tolerating that and being patient.


Thank you so much for not talking shit about me, or telling my secrets. We're able to complain about other people to each other, and we've traded secrets to each other, but we (or at least I, hopefully you too) don't do this while wondering, "is she doing this to me behind my back?". Nope. I don't know about you, but I don't think twice about it. You're the special friend that I don't worry about getting back stabbed by. There are plenty of people who I've felt like don't genuinely like me, or who I KNOW talk bad about me (sometimes on their accord, sometimes just joining in with others) or tell my secrets (whether it be to someone who they're barely friends with, or to THEIR special best friend). But you are not one of them. I completely trust you, and would trust you with my life :] I am able to confidently know that if someone says something bad about me to you, you will stand up for me. And you know I do the exact same for you, so I am assuming we are all good on that. And I KNOW that you don't repeat any secrets of mine to anyone, even Amanda. Which means a lot, if you don't repeat them even to her, because she is your other best friend. No offense meant to Amanda in this, don't worry! Anyways, you know trust means a lot to me. And it's one of the best things about our friendship, that I can trust you. And I assume you know that you can trust me, because you are one of the people I would never, ever want to screw over. Ever. So thank you :]]]

You're always willing to explain things to me. Your stories that I'm to dumb to understand, complicated jokes, or just weird stuff. You NEVER blow me off with a, "never mind, I give up" or a, "just forget about it", or, "whatever, it's not important". Because you know how curious I am and it would possibly drive me crazy later. You never make me feel like I'm not important to you (I make us sound like such lesbians haha), or like you don't really give a crap about me. Ever since we had that huge talk about our problems in 7th grade (aka the last time we had something that even resembled a fight), I have not gone through one day in my life feeling like you wouldn't be there for me. Which is IMPRESSIVE because you definitely know how needy and whiny and sensitive I am when it comes to even the smallest signs of "friend rejection" or whatever you wanna call it. I hope I am making sense, I'm listening to music while I write this and tend to kind of not make sense when I do that. Hot Air Balloon by Owl City, good song ;] Anyways, I can honestly say the only times I've ever felt like you don't want me around nowadays are when I like run over to when you're with your friends. But then again, your friends (you know who) and I don't quite get along so that is actually quite understandable haha.

Hmm what else. Oh right, we can talk about ANYTHING. A lot of best friends say that, but I bet they'd be to wussy to do PWYR's ;] It's like there's no topic off limits for you. I love how you will literally talk about anything. Stuff that most of my other friends would get either grossed out by or wouldn't care about. That's like the coolest thing, knowing, "so and so won't be into discussing this with me, but I can talk to Kate about it next time we hang out!" So great. You're not awkward, I'm totally comfortable telling you anything. YOU NEVER JUDGE ME OMG. I love that part! I know that I can tell you seriously anything and you won't be like, "Hilary told me blah blah blah....it was kind of...weird." to your friends the next day. I can't handle when people do that, and I know you don't like it either.


So thank you very, very, very, very much, for never judging me, or making me keep something pent up inside that I want to get out. Thank you for always listening. I'll say it again, because that's one of the best things you do for me. Thank you for always listening. Thank you for always listening. Thank you thank you thank you for always listening.

:]]]


I will always return the favor. Okay? I made that green so you'd read it again, because I mean it. Even if we stop being best friends for some reasons, and become just normal friends, I will always be there to listen without judging. I promise.

Thank you for always laughing with me at the worst things that make us feel like horrible people for laughing at, like Smeagol being a jew, or "the retard walk" (you might not remember that one!). Thank you for saying, "we are horrible people!" when I'm to lazy too. Thanks for laughing, whether it's real or fake, at 90% of my lame jokes. And of course, thank you for making ME laugh, especially when I really need it. Thank you for never saying things like, "Hilary...come on, don't say/do that, that's mean" when I'm being a bad person, and thank you for instead just laughing or joining in with me.

Thank you for being an introvert, and not showing that many people your true colors easily...because if everyone saw how fun and cool you were all the time, there would probably be a lot more competition to face when I want to hang out with you. I sound like a total best friend hog saying that, but I'm sure you know what I mean!


Thank you for being one of the biggest comforts in my life. I probably sound kind of creepy saying that but you know what I mean haha. Whenever I'm in a stressful situation, or in a fight with someone, I just have to think, "I can call Kate later and vent to her about this" and I feel a little better. Even if I never actually end up calling you. Did I mention you're amazing at making me feel better? You always know exactly what to say. You ALWAYS take my side, which is almost always exactly what I need. Sometimes, I know I end up taking the other persons side when you take mine. Like I'll be in a fight with someone, and you'll be like, "well they're just being immature! You did the right thing" or something. And sometimes, I'll be like, "well yeah but I did kind of do it without their permission." I'll take their side even though I basically asked you to take mine, you know? This is probably making no sense. But if you're understanding this, just know that I appreciate when you tolerate me being all complicated like that. You never get all annoyed, you just keep going. I love that, thank you sooo much. Also, you never have to pressure me into telling you what's wrong, because I completely trust you with whatever is going on. If I got pregnant, or got an STD or something, you'd be the first person I'd tell, and I probably wouldn't even have to tell you not to tell anyone because you're smart and use your logic to figure out if I'd appreciate you telling someone or not. And I know you wouldn't judge me! You're always so helpful and sincerely try to think of a good solution. You also tend to give new, original advice that I haven't heard before. You're the one who told me that amazingly helpful, "when in doubt, apologize" bit. That's helped me save so many friendships, it's insane. You might not realize this, but you helped me realize that pride doesn't mean anything when it comes to saving friendships. That I should always just apologize. Just like Danielle helped me realize that I should never talk bad about my friends, you showed me that amazingly useful piece of advice. THANK YOU!


So, there you go. Those are my favorite things about you that I've seen over those 10 years of friendship. You sincerely care about me, you tolerate all my flaws and annoying moments, you don't judge me, you listen to me, you don't lie or talk bad about me, you're never mean to me, you laugh with me, you give me advice, you're just really good to me. My parents always say how, "they love Kate!" when you're mentioned, and I'm really glad my parents see how good of a friend you are too even though I tend to roll my eyes when my dad asks constantly if we're still friends if I haven't mentioned your name in two weeks haha. Our friendship, like almost all others, has small flaws. We don't hang out as much as we'd like to, and we get annoyed with each other from time to time. But hey, I'm a hard person to handle sometimes, so you get the biggest pat on the back ever for being able to tolerate me as a best friend :P Thank you so much for still wanting to hang out with me after all these years, even though I'm sure I'm not always super fun to be around. So basically, I'm gonna say what I've said to you for past few birthdays: I love you, and deeply appreciate you, and you are my best, best, best friend. Forever <33
Happy birthday!
:DDDD











"A best friend is someone who knows all about you... and loves you anyway."

Thursday, July 2, 2009

Pull your head out from the clouds for a minute

I got a few new "tagged photos" requests today from you. All of them were super old pictures of us from last year. You've put up SO many pictures like that of us, and do it so randomly too. We haven't even hung out since like last summer either, so it's just odd. All I've gotta say is you need to stop living in the past! We used to be friends, I let you go because you were toxic though. You told a lot of secrets, and talked bad about a lot of your friends. And even worse, you sucked me into it so I joined in. But then I realized how bad it was getting so I stopped talking to you and focused on finding out who my real, good friends were. Stop talking about all the "old times you miss". Go make some new ones with the people are your friends now! Please. It bothers me how you're constantly dwelling on old pictures of us and putting them on your Myspace. Neither of us even really look like that anymore. I'm not doing this to be mean, I just feel kind of bad because you should be in the warm, sunny outside with the friends you still have instead of sitting on your computer missing the old days.
Please. I still want you to be happy at least...

Sunday, June 28, 2009

Hey Kate!

I loooove you best friend :D



;]

Wednesday, June 24, 2009

"I am not a nomad, I was born a house cat"

It feels like I haven't updated this in forever!
For the last like 11 days, I was in Washington D.C. I never realized how attached I was to home until I got there and had been there for a few days. And then I started missing my home so bad, I couldn't get back fast enough.
But anyways, the trip itself was pretty nice :] This is my brothers last summer before college, and so we went there for 11 days for one last family vacation.

First of all, before you look at these (if you're actually bored enough too haha), just let me tell you that almost all of these are REALLY lame quality. I didn't bring a fancy camera with me, and my family often didn't have much time to take good pictures cause we were constantly on tours and such. Sooo yeah, sorry a lot of these are bad quality! :[

You can't really tell but there were SO many more buildings there than there are in Eugene. It's insane!

The White House :D








George Washingtons house, it was pretty cool :]
vvv

These spires were at the Air Force Memorial. They're definitely one of the coolest things I saw, and they were HUUUUUUGE!



The United States capitol :D
vvv




Random budhist monks at the Lincoln memorial. They let me take a picture with them, and then asked for one with me on their camera :D I was so excited!!


This is a really famous scene, the soldiers planting the flag into the ground. I'm sure you've all seen a painting of this at least, or something! The statue was HUGE!


The changing of the guard. I felt bad for them, it was HOT out!





After a 6 1/2 hour flight home though, I'm very very happy to be back :D


ps. I'm glad we made plans tonight to hang out soon, I missed youa lot this year!

Sunday, June 7, 2009

"But it's much to late to get away"

I'm still not over the song in my post below. It's called Lullaby, and it's by the Cure. Sooo in love with it, ugh it's not even funny.




Watching you graduate today was sort of a punch in the face. I remember sitting there, bored out of my skull, when it hit me: you're graduating. What the fuck? What the fuck! Where did time go? And more importantly, where did our friendship go?
It seriously seems like just last week that we were little kids, and mom and dad were our best friends, the coolest people in the world to us. But they weren't the only ones who I looked up to. You might not realize this, but I also looked up to you. Why not? You were my cool big brother. I remember we always fought, but we were over it by the next day. You were a huge dick to me when you were with your friends, never wanting me to tag along. But we still had lots of fun. A bunch of my memories from when I was like five, was tagging along with you and your friends. I always had friends, but why go to the effort of having mom arrange for them to come over and play, when I had a live in friend right there? We always had so much fun together, with mom and dad. Now that I think of it, we were always together, us four. I remember growing up with you. When we both played Pokemon on our Gameboys (and collected the cards of course, our rares are still packed up in the garage), when we'd beg mom for a Nintendo64, when we'd play tag and hide and go seek, when we'd eat dinner as a family, when we'd have friends over and bug each other, when we'd get in screaming little kid fights.


...and then you hit middle school, and that all stopped. Ever since them, we've had such an awkward relationship. You're not super talkative, and I get shy when I'm not comfortable around someone. So whenever we are around each other, it's just weird. Especially since we're family.
High school came, we drifted apart even more. And now we might as well be strangers.
And you're going off to college after summer. And I will probably see you about twice a year or less after that.


:[
I will miss you, even though we never talk. I really will.

Saturday, June 6, 2009

Lullaby

"On candystripe legs the spiderman comes
Softly through the shadow of the evening sun
Stealing past the windows of the blissfully dead
Looking for the victim shivering in bed
Searching out fear in the gathering gloom and
Suddenly!
A movement in the corner of the room!
And there is nothing I can do
When I realise with fright
That the spiderman is having me for dinner tonight!

Quietly he laughs and shaking his head
Creeps closer now
Closer to the foot of the bed
And softer than shadow and quicker than flies
His arms are all around me and his tongue in my eyes
"Be still be calm be quiet now my precious boy
Don't struggle like that or I will only love you more
For it's much too late to get away or turn on the light
The spiderman is having you for dinner tonight"

And I feel like I'm being eaten
By a thousand million shivering furry holes
And I know that in the morning I will wake up
In the shivering cold

And the spiderman is always hungry... "

Thursday, June 4, 2009

Nevermind

I like someone else now.




...it's annoying when people get mad at me because I get over people I like so fast.
I mean, if I like them and find out they don't like me, then I get over them usually. It's as simple as that.

Wednesday, June 3, 2009

Ohhhh fuck

I screwed up again! I lost my chance!
:[

But
maybe I can still get it back, although I highly doubt that. I'll just hope for the best.

Monday, June 1, 2009

Hey you,

I came to a realization today: I always say how I'll wait for you to become a close friend of mine again


...but you'll only be here for one more year. One more year for me to try. And then we'll probably never see each other again.



How depressing :[

Sunday, May 31, 2009

"I've got a feelin, it's automatic"

When I'm in math, I always feel so bad for you. You're sort of the class joke, the kid that everyone picks on. If you make a mistake, even a small one, everyone makes fun of you and laughs at you endlessly, and I can tell it embarasses you. I think it's terrible how that certain person will be like, "gross, don't touch my stuff" or just act like you're a giant ball of germs. I remember when that girl even tricked you into thinking I had a crush on you. I can only imagine the mortification you must have felt when you came up to me and asked me out, only to have me say, "no...where did that come from?"

I feel bad for you, because I know exactly what it's like.

I'll watch the people in our class be complete dicks to you and treat you like you're literally a piece of crap, and I always, always think, "that used to be me."
I used to be that gross, loser girl, when I was in elementary school, and some of middle school. I always had friends, but the majority of people acted like some kind of flesh rotting disease was coming out of my pores. If I accidentally brushed against someone, or got to close, I remember most of the time they would pull away with a digusted face. Even though I didn't even do anything.

And that's what's happening to you. You're nice, you're mature, you're smart...but people can't see past your acnea, your smell, and your awkward clothes.
I know you've had a hard life. I know you've had family problems with drugs and jail. I know you're just trying to get by.


...and I just wanted to say I'm sorry, and I sincerely hope you turn out very successful in your life. You deserve better. Please, hang in there.

Wednesday, May 27, 2009

"It's a story thar we beckon, it's a story and it ain't gonna end"

I love this warm weather, sooo much. Everything cheers up. Longboarding sessions and ice cream after school, happier music, the smell of fresh grass (sorry people with allergies!), funner lunches, smaller outfits ;], bigger smiles, louder laughs.
No more teeth chattering from the cold, no more ridiculous layers just to keep "sort of warm, no more fog and ice, and not as much unhappiness.
Goodbye winter gloves, hello sunscreen!



....I just wish you weren't leaving. What will happen when you're gone? :[
I need to stop complaining about you moving. You're kind of excited, I wish I could share the same enthusiasm for your sake. But then I remember, I just can't stay that happy for you because YOU'RE the one who's going to go off and have a new start. I'll still be here. Not that I don't like it here, I do. But I guess I'm just having a kind of selfish depression about this.
Actually, I take that back. There's nothing selfish about me not wanting you to leave. It means I adore you and want you around. And that's not selfish, I don't care what anyone says. Sorry.

Thursday, May 21, 2009

Perfect weather does not help one focus

I'm putting off writing five poems for English, and am going to some productive venting.


Okay, I'm going to just say this straight out: I think you are completely ignorant for what your opinion on fighting vs. talking things out is. I seriously have almost no respect for you now. Talking things out is immature, and fighting IS mature? What the fuck? Where did you grow up, compton? FIGHTING is immature. Fighting someone just because you don't like them, or they were talking shit, or whatever, is so damn stupid. One of the most immature reactions you can have. I'm an extremely peaceful person most of the time, and when someone actually starts a physical fight, then SORRY but I will never let you be a close friend of mine. Friendships should allow mistakes. Ninety percent of people talk shit about all of their friends at some time in their life, and in some form. Now, with that in mind, what if the people they all talked shit about (even if it was just ONCE) decided to come up to them one day and punch them in the face, then proceed to beat the shit out of them and drop them as a friend? Can you imagine how terrible that would be? Nobody would be friends again, like ever. Just because they talked shit about them a time or two, or they just didn't like each other?

I know for a fact that all of my friends have said something bad about me. ALL of them, at some point. Maybe it wasn't even that bad, or maybe it was a full on I-think-she-is-such-a-dumb-bitch-sometimes session. Whatever. The point is, I got over it. I'm still friends with like all of them, except a few. And those few were mainly for other reasons. I mean, if I'm trying to drop them because they aren't good for me, the they-talk-shit-about-me thing helps me have a reason, but in the long term, it's whatever.


We're human. We're meant to be concerned for ourselves. We're social creatures of course, but it doesn't stop us from getting annoyed/tired/angry at friends and other people. And when we feel those negative feelings, our first instinct is to say something mean about that person. That way, we sort of make them sound inferior to ourselves, so we feel like they're not worth those bad feelings and we can just move on. We know what happiness is, and we have learned to want it all the time. Talking shit can help us feel better since it gets out negative feelings. The same with judging! Plenty of people judge every day, and I certainly have. Yes, I know, it's bad to do. But when you see some girl with her thong sticking out of her short-shorts, and a spandex tank top with her boobs hanging out, admit it: the last thing you'd think is, "she probably volunteers at the retirement home and brings all her friends I-love-you gift baskets once a month." No, you probably think she's a slut, or a trashy downtown girl. And that makes you feel better about yourself. You think, "I may be really unpopular and don't have a boyfriend, but at least I don't probably drink myself to sleep every night and have an STD case!" even though that girl that you're judging could in fact, volunteer at the retirement home and is waiting till marriage for sex.

Yeah yeah, I know how hurtful and upsetting it is when you hear a close friend called you annoying behind your back, or tells everyone she doesn't like you that much. Or maybe that girl who you've spoken to like twice HATES you and calls you a dumb bitch daily, when you've done nothing to her! I've been through all of that, and more. I was very unpopular in elementary school and middle school. People who I hardly even knew would pull away from me in disgust if I got to close, and I got called gross and annoying all the time. But all I wanted was to be friends! And now I have tons of those, thank goodness. The point is though, I KNOW how it is to be judged every single day, and I KNOW how it feels to hear a bunch of friends talk shit about you.
But I'm perfectly fine with that. Going through all that stuff will help you become a stronger person, and be able to deal with the hard stuff in life.
So listen up: if you hear a friend talking bad about you once or twice, for goodness sakes, don't freak out and tell them to, "stop talking shit or you'll beat their ass!". Be tolerant, and calmly tell them that it upsets you to hear that, and you would like them to not do that anymore. If you do this in a calm way, then congrats; you have been mature.
But if they ignore your warning, and keep talking shit over and over...THEN feel free to drop them ;]

Thursday, May 14, 2009

I remember:
the rush of feeling
the comfort of being with you, our own little universe
your smile, your giggle
the intensity of every feeling I had about you
the like, then the love
your sweet smell
your look
your cuteness

then,
the withdrawals
the want
the need.

And I was recently reminded of something, that brought all that back for just a minute.



....This all sounds quite emo. Maybe because we were doing poetry today in English? haha




I need to NOT get ahead of myself with these feelings. I need to slow down, and stop getting all hopeful again. That way, if this doesn't go how I want, then I won't be upset at all.

ps. I'm disapointed in you. I kind of liked you better before...

Sunday, May 10, 2009

“It is great cleverness to know when to conceal one's cleverness”

Granted, I'll admit I'm not that school smart sometimes. I get pretty good grades (usually B's and C's), and I do my assignments and such. But I sure do have my blonde moments. I tilt my head a lot when I say, "huh?", and tend to do that wide-eyed naive face a lot. It takes me a bit to get some jokes and problems. And of course, sometimes, I just don't think, because I feel safe enough that I think nothing bad will happen if I just zone out and go with the flow.


But I think people underestimate one thing about me: I'm usually very, very, very people smart.
I can tell how a lot of people work, and why. I can easily try to see something from somebody else's point of view, and get how they feel. I actually try to imagine the feelings they have.


I can give great advice, and I'm not just saying that.


I can almost always tell if somebody is hiding something from me, but 90% of the time I will not say anything about because I don't want to cause drama. But I definitely do have my own intelligence. I got this from Rinnell (sorry Rinnell, please don't kill me for using this haha):

"girls often make the mistake of flaunting their intelligence and disappointing people. Do not wear your intelligence on your sleeve. Wear it in your back pocket. Because that's where guys look anyways. "

It took me a while to fully figure out what that meant, but I finally did. I do just that though, I hide my best intelligence and skills in my back pocket, and when people actually get to know me, I reveal it to them pretty fast. At first, I probably give off a total dumb blonde vibe, but you know what? I'm fine with that. If people think that they are smarter than you, and that you pose no threat, they will usually not bother being mean to you or really disliking you. Sure, there are those who will say things like, "Oh god, she is SO dumb! It drives me up the wall!", but that lets you know something: these people are probably judgmental and not worth your time anyways.

I don't have that many friends who lie, tell secrets, and back stab. Why? Because I'm actually smart, and know how to tell if someone will treat me good before I let them get close to me. I am a good friend most of the time (I'm human, so not ALWAYS, but most of the time), and I know I deserve good friends. I don't let liars and bad people get close to me, I know I'll get hurt.


I guess I've made my point with this, and I'm more just ranting now. I probably sound very conceited. My bad, I promise I'm not trying to sound full of myself or whatever.
But now you know: I have a brain, and can use it just as well as everyone else does.

Saturday, May 9, 2009

Random

Why oh why oh why do people get on Myspace JUST to post bulletins saying, "Myspace is so boring".
I don't really care or anything, but I just find it so pointless! hahahahaha


I went for a run with my dog, Chica, at the Monroe track today, and ran into Kenny. I love him, I haven't really talked to him in forever :[ He had his adorable rabbit, Isabel, with him, and we walked our pets together for a looong time and just talked. Very relaxing, except for Chica darting at Isabel a million times a minute haha


I'm brunette finally!
I don't know what else to post right now. Nothing super interesting is going on. Prom is happening about right now, oh well. No date for me, which is just fine. I will probably care next year, when I'm a junior, or when I'm a senior.


Maybe my next post will be more interesting haha.

Friday, May 8, 2009

No Hilary. Write this tomorrow!

Wednesday, May 6, 2009

I'm close to crying

It seems like just yesterday that we were five or six and playing in your back yard, or having sleepovers constantly. Or teasing your little brother, or excluding your little sister. You constantly throwing tantrums because you were bipolar. PLAYING BARBIES EVERY TIME. Messing around with my beanie babies. Being little girls, having fun. So many memories, SO MANY.


...and now you're 16 or so, pregnant, and giving it up for adoption.
What. The. Fuck.
Where did our childhood go?!
I want to be little again, for a week or so, and then come back.
:'[

Monday, May 4, 2009

So lazy

almost to lazy to write in this.



Ashleys 16th birthday was this weekend, went to the coast with Sydney, Ashley, Jacob, Sylvie, and Connor. It was veeeery fun :]]] I would write about it but I'm so unmotivated...happy birthday girl :D I know I already said it, and it's like three days later, but I will say it in my blog too! I LOVE YOU!







I kind of got knocked down last week. Ouchie. That always sucks.



I don't like when you flirt with me, then go and hit on my friend too. What is that all about!

Okay, I feel less guilty now that I wrote in this :]

Tuesday, April 28, 2009

You, within me.

Thank you for giving me faith
Thank you for listening to all the things I had to say
Thank you for treating me well, and taking care of me
Thank you for giving me hope
Thank you for helping me stay sane
Thank you for doing what nobody else can
Thank you for helping me stay happy
Thank you for getting me through all my problems
Thank you for giving me light in my life, and being there to guide me
Thank you for letting me feel unique
Thank you for listening to all my hopes, and my dreams
Thank you for granting me all those requests that I asked for (I appreciate it, so, so much).
Thank you for listening to me late at night, and (hopefully) granting me forgiveness for all the bad things I've done
Thank you for letting it go when I end our talks early because I'm falling asleep, or I'm to impatient to go on for long
Thank you for helping me recognize the beauty in others, and loving the less than perfect
Thank you for helping me love the woman in me
Thank you for being the most beautiful thing, and presence, in my life
Thank you for letting me be human and making all the mistakes that humans make.



Thank you for never, ever letting me down, as far as I can remember. Thank you so, so much.

You've made me a happier person, happier than I ever was. I'm so glad I encountered you long ago. Following you and the things you stand for was the best decision I've ever made. I'm close to tears writing this, getting it all out, even though it's in an online blog. I promise I will write this down in paper at some point soon, and present it to you the proper way.
I love you, and want to follow you forever.


Ευλογημένος να είναι

Friday, April 24, 2009

Skipping 3rd

I can't figure out which one makes me laugh harder





Jacob, please don't kill me for putting these on here hahahahahaha




I had a really nice time, just lying out in the grass with Ashley, Jacob, Mackenzie, and Nathan. Just talking and enjoying the sun. I wasn't feeling that well so it was a relief to just not go to class :] eeek I'm still sick now!

Wednesday, April 22, 2009

Content

Talked to youuuuu today :]
Got ice cream with Sylvie
Lunch with Kyrah
Feel like I did good on that math quiz
Aesop Rock is on my iPod
The best kind of tired
Drinking bottled water
Natalie Portman rap
New mix CD
Blog making no sense?





"Cause he notices that a cookie tastes better when itʼs stolen"


Goodnight <3

Tuesday, April 21, 2009

The feeling

I love the sensation of holding a chocolate ice cream cone in your hand, and licking it.


And tasting it, of course :]

Sunday, April 19, 2009

So in love

with the sun :] I adored the weather today. It was absolutely PERFECT. Sunny, warm, but not too hot, and just amazing.
Taylor came over at about 2, and my dad dropped us off at Oakway. We spent most of the day there, it's actually really fun there if you're with the right person. I'm really glad I have her as a friend. She's my favorite person to talk about boys with :] I like how she knows who just about everyone is, and doesn't get all prude/weird about things we talk about. I don't have many girls like that as friends!


I hate watching fights between people I know. I'm watching one on youtube, between two girls I know (it was last year), and it just kills me. I can't help but pick out every part where the girl who is mostly getting hurt could save herself and stop the fight. I think of all the perfect things she could have said, or how she could have just walked away. But she kept it going. So, so stressful to watch. I'm one of the most unviolent people I know. I do anything I can to avoid a fight. I'll apologize endlessly, I'll beg the person to leave me alone. I guess I don't really care how pathetic I look doing it.

In my eyes, it's better to look weak than so scary that your own friends are afraid of you.

Friday, April 17, 2009

I hate Chuck Palahniuk

It honestly annoys the shit out of me how people tend to be obsessed with him and his quotes. Quotes that make NO sense half the time, might I say. Call me ignorant for saying this, but I have felt like this about that guy for a while now hahaha.
And I pinky promise this is not referring to anyone in particular!
I love things that make sense. I really don't like weird stories at all, to be honest. Random ones. I realized that this is why I don't like Fight Club much. Because the script is so fucking WEIRD.


...
Sorrrrry I had to get that out haha I saw a quote from him a few minutes ago and just had to rant.




On a lighter note!

This was in Fahrenheit 451, the book we're reading in English now.

"We are in the age of disposable tissues. Blow your nose on a person, wad them up, flush them away, reach for another, and repeat."


I really liked that :]



Buffalo Exchange tomorrow with Kate. I hope they actually take some of the clothes I bring in for once!

Thursday, April 16, 2009

It's so hard

making yourself happy, and pleasing yourself, while trying to keep others happy too.





There is actually a point to this, but I'm to wussy to post it.

Tuesday, April 14, 2009

Getting it out

It's getting really annoying how all you talk to me about anymore is "are you walking home with us?" and then get mad if I say no.

I don't like walking home. Sorry, I just don't. Sometimes it's nice, but I prefer not to usually if I don't have to. I love talking to you, don't worry. But really, it's getting annoying how that's literally all you say to me anymore.
Sorry, if you're reading this, I DON'T MEAN TO BE BITCHY. I just had to get it out.
I still love you, I love you <333


Ummm anyways, today was nice! I liked it :D


PS. I wish you seemed to actually miss me, and maybe even want to hang out with me like we used to all the time.

I've told you this before. Sorry, I hope I'm not getting annoying about this. I just REALLY enjoyed talking to you and hanging out with you. We used to so much.

It actually kind of depressed me how you never even TRY to get in contact with me. There's myspace, facebook, and we do go to the same school of course. I mean, I guess I should try to talk to you more. But that's just how I am. If someone stops talking to me, I just wait for them to start again. I feel annoying if I do it first. Like OMG Y AREN'T U TALKING 2 ME?!?! You know?
I guess I am being unfair. You're ALWAYS grounded, and never are able to have your phone cause your dad always takes it. But I have just felt like this for a while.
You've told me you miss me, but you never seem to show it. When you write about how "you've cut out a lot of bad people from your life and now know who your real friends are", I wonder EVERY TIME, was I one of those bad people? I wasn't aware of it if I did anything wrong... :[


Whatever, I guess I'll just say this. I hope me writing all this about you doesn't upset you, because that was definitely not the intention. I'm really, really sorry. I know how annoying it is for someone to say stuff like this where the world can see. But I'm used to letting it all out on here.Anyways,
I miss you Michael Fitzgerald. I miss you, I miss you, I miss you.


I bet this will be another post I'll regret, because of how lame I sound (and bitchy :/ once again, not the intent and I'm sorry!!)

Monday, April 13, 2009

Lately




:/
I suck, I suck. I wish I hadn't developed this body issue. It's really just one part of my body though so I will be fine, I hope.
Talking about it at lunch with Danielle today though really helped. Thank you soo much. I think I just had a bad body-day the other night.
WOW I SOUND SO DUMB AND ANOREXIC. Stopping now!



Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?
A: A rumor

Q: What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?
A: You did not hold the pillow down long enough.

Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your e- mail?
A: Rename the mail folder ‘Instruction Manual.’

Q: WHY DID GOD MAKE MEN BEFORE WOMEN?
A: You need a rough draft before you make a final copy.


This whole post is so pointless. I have a feeling I will re-read this one at some point and wanna punch myself hahahaha

Saturday, April 11, 2009

Complaint

Since I don't really drink or smoke, I never get invited to do much anymore!


Sucky, sucky.
I'M STILL FUN GUYS, REALLY!

:[

If you leave, who will I text constantly, with the knowing I can see them in person the next day?
Who will I get to see every day?
Who will go on random bike rides with me?
Who will always be there to listen to my problems...in person?
Who will I go to lunch with all the time?
Who will I see EVERY day?

Who will be the most comforting person in my life?



...

This makes me sound like I'm taking all my friends but you for granted. I don't mean it that way at all. But I'm going to be honest...almost NOBODY means as much to me as you do. I hope that doesn't sound weird. But I've completely opened myself up to you and now you might leave?


I thought I was getting used to the idea. But I guess not.

Thursday, April 9, 2009

So tired

I hope I wake up soon.



"I stroke the hell out of mademoiselle
who insisted every night, she get her back twisted in the unlisted"

Love that song, love that song so much.


You know, I have a feeling that if worst comes to worst, and she leaves, then you and I won't be as good of friends anymore. I love you and adore you, I really do. But it seems like without her, we just wouldn't talk as much. I hardly ever see you except when you're at her locker with her. I hate it. I really care about you. I feel like you think I'm boring sometimes, but that's only because I'm not completely comfortable around you. If we talked and hung out more, I would become more comfortable. And no, I blame none of this on you. I had that same problem with her when I first became friends with her. It took me about a year almost to become really comfortable around her. Now I can tell her ANYTHING without feeling weird. Anyways, I consider you one of my best friends because you give good advice, and even if I'm not always that comfortable around you, I do feel pretty safe. You're one of those people who actually stands up for their friends. I love it, I'm glad I have you in my life even if we don't talk that much.


...oh I guess I'll just say this. Danielle, I hope things work out for your family. Sienna, I hope we stay close if they don't.

I love you both.

Tuesday, April 7, 2009

Mk

Obviously it's never going to happen. Moving on now...


I might get to see Santigold, Michael Franti, and Soja, in concert next month. That would be wonderful :]
I looove Santigold. I thought her name was "Santogold" though, until, like, twenty minutes ago though hahahahaha dammit!

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