Thanksgiving

When I think over my life briefly during this Thanksgiving, there are a few things that stand out the most. The first is my family, and my home.

When I read the book Dreamland, about a girl named Caitlin whose boyfriend beats her, her family was just like mine. Her mom was a cheerful talkative woman, just like mine, and her dad was awkward but friendly, just like mine. She even had an older sister who left, just like my older brother who left for college. I remember thinking her house was so cozy with all the love and friendliness her family had. I didn't just think it, I knew it. Because that's just how mine is. When Caitlins boyfriend, Rogerson, starts abusing her, the author wrote it so well that you could totally feel her hurt and depression. I remember CONSTANTLY wanting her to go to her house and envelop herself in the safety and comfort her family/home provided. I do that whenever I'm super upset. I go home, and I think about how the school drama I'm dealing with can't touch me at home. Because home has my family in it. Home has my incredible mother. Home has my wonderful, protective father in it. Home has my pets, my room, my personal belongings in it. Home for me has no drama or pain. Home for me is pure love and comfort. This all sounds so cheesy, I'm sure. But my home and family are my shield against all the outside pains I have to deal with. I know that at home, I don't have to deal with friend problems or school drama if I don't want to. I have my family, and I know they love me, and I love them. And I am very, very, very thankful for all of that.

My religion -
Converting from Christianity to Wicca in 7th grade was the best decision I've ever made in my life. Dead serious. You hear people talk about how their god changed their life for the better. Until I converted, it was just words to me. Now I completely understand. The My life has improved so much since then. I'm religious now, I try to pray often, and I always feel like I have more hope than I did before. I don't talk about it much with others, it's more of a private thing for me, but I would like to talk about it here. Four about 4 1/2 years now I've been Wiccan, and the religion still entrances me. It's everything I could ask for. It motivates me to try and be a better person in every way, and it's put a spark back in my life that wasn't there before. I'm so incredibly thankful for it, you have NO idea.

Me -
When I was in elementary school/middle school, I was such a loser. Few people liked me, lots of people thought I was gross. I dressed terribly for the most part. Boys didn't like me, and I was not attractive. Then....I changed. I got better style. I got better looking (in my opinion anyways). More people hung out with me, I got a better personality. I have way more guy friends now too. You might think I'm conceited/lame for putting this in here, but I don't care. If that transformation hadn't happened, I'd still be constantly depressed I bet. Some people would still be awful to me. I'd still be a loser who few people genuinely liked. I'm so grateful for the change. I've loved my life a lot more since then, and am a happier person. And I very, very, very thankful for that.

My friends -
I don't mean to make my friends seem less important because I put them in last, I just kind of wrote things in the order I thought of them in. Since so many of my friends are different, this could easily turn into a full essay :/ I want to keep this kind of short though, so here goes: my friends are wonderful. I'm talking about the true, loyal friends I have. Not the ones who tell peoples secrets, or spread gossip. I mean the super good ones, like Kate and Danielle and Lacey. Going through high school has made me re-evaluate friendships many times. And when I thought about it, I realized that there are few who I REALLY trust. But I'm not thinking of that right now. I'm really just grateful for the friends who say hi to me in the halls. Who text me during holidays and my birthday to wish me a good one. Who come over and talk to me during class. Who trust me with their secrets. Who enjoy talking to me enough to want to hang out with me and text me. Who really notice and care when I miss school that day. Who TRY to fit me into their schedule. Who are willing to do little favors for me. Who give me gum, and sips of their drinks. Basically, people who see me and notice me, and don't just walk right by me in the halls. These people make me feel cared for and liked at school, and I am VERY thankful for it. I love you all :)

Happy Thanksgiving everyone!

I never know what to title these anymore...

Whenever I see you, I always get the urge to be popular. Not friends with everyone in school popular, but the stuck-in-the-preppy-girl-clique popular. You know? I guess you dropping me as a friend because you got popular makes me feel like this. I forget about you a lot of the time, but when I look at all your facebook pictures with the "cool" girls and the charismatic jock boys, I'm reminded of what you dropped me for. I'd like to congratulate you though with sincerity. You got your dream. You are now bffs with the cool girls, you're incredibly beautiful, and you have a popular boyfriend. Everyone who knows you seems to love you. I don't have a problem with you, but here's my issue. I always want to impress you, to let you know that I'm not the ugly middle school loser you once knew. I'm cool now, I can honestly say that. I've been assured I'm pretty. I've been told I have cute style. I'm not super annoying anymore. I'm hardly ever fake to people, if I like them then I'm nice, if I don't like them then I'm mean. People hang out with me.
But, I'm guessing they're not the RIGHT people in your book. Most of them aren't "cool" to you. Whenever I see you, it feels like the annoying little middle school girl in me comes out. My voice seems to automatically get high pitched and annoying when I talk to you. It's so irritating. I can always see in your eyes, and the way you regard me, that you still think I'm lame.

I just want you to see that I'm COOL now. I'm friends with lots of people. I know I know, so conceited, but I really needed to get this out....

:/

Mhm

No matter how independent I make myself, I still need reassurance that I'm important. And that I'm needed.

"Disappointment is the whiplash of emotions"

I've gotten so discouraged in math these past couple days. My grade is currently a 60.6&. Almost an F. I got 26.5 out of 50 on our final type test, and I seriously was trying not to cry the for the rest of the class, plus History. The really upsetting thing, when it all boils down, is that I actually tried this time, and I tried my hardest. I put all my effort into this term, did my absolute best, and still failed. I know, a D isn't failing technically. But for college it is, and that was my motivation. I can't accept a D anymore, I have much higher standards. Well, in other classes anyways. I guess it's sort of a trade off. In high school, I don't think I've gotten anything lower than a C+ in any other classes. Except math (and spanish and science, shhh). That's a C, or lower. But other classes are usually really easy for me. History? Easy. I was the first one finished with our vocab exam today and I got an 18 out of 20. I hardly even studied, maybe for about three minutes. Gym? I don't like it, it's tedious, but it's gym. English? Walk in the park, most of the time. It's just reading, and remembering. Same with basically every other class. Computers, health, blah blah blah. It's just easy for me.

Math however, is the most frustrating thing to me. When we got our tests back, I went and talked to Mrs. Childs at lunch. I asked her if there was anything, anything, I could do to get my grade up, because I had been trying so hard. She spent several minutes telling me she knows I've been trying very hard and have made a huge effort. She told me I've improved so much from last year, and if she could, she would honestly give me an A+ for effort. But, she couldn't change my grade. She then told me not to discouraged. I kept crying whenever I would think of that today, because how can you tell me not to get discouraged when I tried my HARDEST I've ever tried in a class, and still just got a 60.6%? I guess this post is kind of boring, since it's just about trying to pass a math class. But I'm so determined to pass math, and I'll seriously bawl my eyes out if I have to take it again. Honestly. I don't think I could do it :'(
One term down, one to go.

Gaps

It bugs me how awkward/uncomfortable I can get. When people spill their problems to me lately, I tend to just make jokes about it and avoid getting into emotional talks. I've noticed that sometimes when I give people big, supportive speeches, my voice cracks a lot. I almost cry. And it drives me up the wall! I guess that's taught me to steer away from those kinds of talks unless it's important. But if it's just a little problem that I know they'll get over, I just joke my way out of it. I hate it. I used to be super affectionate, and was always up things like that. I used to love giving people hugs and was always yelling, "I love you!" at my friends in the hall. But now I never give hugs, and when I do, they can be so uncomfortable. I never tell people I love them, just vaguely return it. I actually know who influenced me to be like this. I would still be super affectionate if not for the person. But I won't name then because it really doesn't bother me that much. The speech thing does, but I didn't get that from anyone. I brought that on myself. And I'm working on these things anyways.

I just wish I was more touchy feely with people. But another thing that makes it hard is being bi. I've had girls be uncomfortable because of that, and I've just learned not to try to and be all friendly with them anymore, even if I know they won't judge me or make assumptions. It's just a habbit. I wish it would leave..




^^^
ps. Completely different topic, but hahahahaha story of my life!

Warmest feelings

I have to write this quick, before my dad comes back and needs on. Last night was Halloween. And it was the best one I've ever had. All of us at Connors house. And my favorite part was how trusting we all were with each other. Our secrets and personal things spilled out left and right. And the whole time, you could feel a giant atmosphere of trust. This wasn't stuff you'd tell just anyone. This was personal stuff. And you could tell nobody was worried about people telling.

And just to reassure you guys; I won't break that trust.



ps. So cute!