Nice to read

Some good.

I'm so happy I have friends who care enough about me to let me vent constantly for about three days straight. I love them :D

Lasting effects

Last night, as I tried to get to sleep, I found myself remembering that one time again. A year ago, when you slept over for the first time, and I read your texts. Your "phone was acting weird" and had "deleted some of your sent texts", but all I had to do was read your inbox to know what you had been saying. I saw texts saying things like, "okay bye, tell me if you get raped!" and "I'd be scared too. Hilary's kind of a creeper lol"
Two or three texts, that's all it took, and I've been traumatized ever since. I probably sound overdramatic, but if that's not it, then why have I been uncomfortable around all girls ever since? The stuff your stupid bitch friends (and you, probably) said hurt me so bad, and I'm still not over it. I get uncomfortable and nervous if I'm closer than a foot to a girl (mainly straight ones). I have this permanent phobia now that every girl is going to think I'm hitting on them, or that I want to rape them or whatever. I hate it so much. I think about that night all the time, and I've definitely cried over it. I wish I could just forget about it, I didn't even really like those girls that much. I guess it really just hurt because I know YOU, one of my close, trusted friends, was saying stuff like that too. That's the worst part.

I hope I'll get over it someday.

Valentines Day

I get more excited about reading Postsecret on holidays than any other time, because that's when Frank gets really picky about the secrets that are posted. They're always better than they normally are.











This is the first year I've had a valentine (even if it's not totally serious) :)

Hah!

I got over you when you finally talked to me. It made me realize I missed you not in the attraction way, but as a friend. I spent every day of the semester with you basically, so of course I would miss you since you instantly stopped talking to me when our schedules changed. Some psychologist wannabe I am, I should've realized this sooner.

And now you've stopped talking to me again, but I'm pretty much over you. Just as I knew would happen with time. This is why I tell people all they need is time, when they tell me how they miss someone. Because time will bring healing about 100% of the time, wanted or unwanted. You just have to wait long enough.....it's all about patience, you see?
I wished I didn't feel so forgotten sometimes though. Is there something about me that makes me just sort of...forgettable? I don't want to be that person who just sort of fades out of your mind when I'm not around. I'm so needy when it comes to love and attention, which is ridiculous since I love to be alone so much of the time. But then again, that's part of me. I've read it in tons of astrology books. Pisces need alone time. Not want, NEED. Or they'll go crazy. If I don't get enough alone time before school, I'll go through the day jittery and restless. I'm so demanding. I love to sit at home and have me time, yet I want to be valued and cared for. So needy, I annoy myself.


Ps. I'm excited for THIS(click) to come in the mail....flipped through it at Borders, looks very handy. AND it got good reviews!

Venting, needed badly.

I have so much to talk about, I haven't posted on here in a while..



I hate how much I've changed since the start of the year. I used to be super genuinely friendly and smiley when I saw people, now I can hardly even manage a tight lipped, fake smile. I used to wave crazily, now I barely react. I feel so numb a lot of the time. Even when I talk to someone who doesn't get me very excited, I can feel myself sort of fading inside. I sound so emo saying that :/
I hate how much I changed FOR YOU. I really did change for you. I made myself calm down and not be so weird because you didn't really like it. I made myself more quiet around a lot of people when I liked you, and now it's part of my personality. Ever since I met you and started liking you, I started holding back at saying things, cause I didn't want to be overtalkative. Now I do that constantly, I don't say half as much as I should, it feels like. I've even changed my texting! You always said my exclamation marks made me sound to excited, so I got used to texting like, "haha yeah. That's gross. So what'd you do today?" Ughhh! Fuck you, I'll use all the damn smileys and exclamation marks I want. Oh, and I've become such a lazy texter because of how I adjusted my style for you.
I feel lame beyond lame venting about this, but it's been bugging me.

I hate how you ignore me now though....:( I liked when you liked me. I really did. I forgot how amazing it is when the feeling is mutual. And you talking to me constantly made me feel so wanted and special. I can't describe how happy it made me when every night, a new text from you would light up my phone, saying hello. I loved it loved it loved it. K, I make it sound like we had one of those stupid texting relationships, but we didn't. Not that we dated, but you get it. I just remember that one Saturday when you texted me around 12, and we talked for 11 hours straight. Sooo nice, so nice. But now, you never say hi, you ignore me, and you definitely never text me. And when I DO text you, I get those annoying one word responses that you never gave me before, but I know you give everyone else. Oh well, at least you don't treat me like that one girl, whO you just text "hjbfgjdbhjg" in reply to everything she says. I have gone on for far to long about you, but it just bugs me how close I was to dating you before you stopped liking me. It's sooo rare for me and a guy to like each other mutually, so I am having the hardest time moving on subconsciously.
Fuck it >:(

I don't feel pretty lately. I hope it's just a phase. I feel like my hair is to thin, it's an ugly color, I don't pull off my clothes well enough, and I'm just not pretty. Typical, depressed-because-of-the-bad-weather teenage girl rant. Moving on now.

I'm dropping you as a friend, and it's going pretty well. I sound terrible announcing this in a blog. But I won't lie, you bore me to tears most of the time. I hate hate HATE how you text. It's just so boring, so annoying. You talk so prim and proper. "Of course. We will hang out soon(: How is the job search coming? Haha." I just don't like it. You're obsessed with your boyfriend, even though like nobody likes him. You're so SO full of yourself, and when you start talking bad about someone (even one of my friends!), you neeeeever stop. Like when you went on for about ten minutes on how Zach totally stole the idea of getting his bridge pierced from your boyfriend....? Shut the fuck up, he did not. Thousands of people have that piercing, he didn't "steal the idea" from anyone in general. And lastly, ever since we had that fight about two years where you accused me of being "like, in love" with your boyfriend, I have not been nealrly as comfortable around you. I always feel like I have to suck up to you in order to avoid pissing you off. And you wouldn't even talk to me about it if I did piss you off. You'd just say stuff about me to your boyfriend, again! Ugh. I need to stop. I just wish you'd get the hint though and stop trying to contact me.

Writing this post makes me realize I've been holding in so much anger. I'm depressed because of this weather, too :/ I sound awful writing all this....my blog always makes me sound a terrible person. Oh well, I needed to get this out.


I miss Danielle so badly. She's the first person I want to text when I have my depression episodes. Sometimes I cry because I need her back here so badly. Not even to really talk to, just to have back here. Period. Because she was so comforting.

I love Kate, she truly is the best friend in the world to me. Hanging out with her this weekend reminded me of that. Not that I ever forget, but it never ceases to amaze me how much I can have in common with someone, while still having the perfect amount of different interests. I love how she always listens, and is totally cool with me talking the entire time. And I love that we bond over wolves...I mean, what?

I miss Michael so bad :( He's one of my favorite people in the world to talk to, about ANYTHING, not just serious stuff. I sometimes have random moments where I desperately miss someone, and want to hang out with them asap. Had one of those moments about him a few minutes ago, and decided to write about it on here. I hope he can do lunch tomorrow.

Jade and I almost hung out today, but her mom told her she had to go to her cheer event. I remember when her and I were super close in 8th grade. I miss those days.

Writing this post feels good. A thousand apologies for all the negativity and shit talking...