:/

First problem, check.

Still alive!

It's been a LONG time since I updated this. Whenever I feel stirred by something lately, I just don't care to write about it. I find that most of the time, not making a big deal about it on here helps me get over it faster.

Things have been going good lately. It's very, very nice to have a boy. I can only hope this one doesn't end for a while. I'd at least like it to last through summer! It's great for my self esteem. I no longer have to feel like that girl who acts like "one of the guys". It feels great to prove that I can actually clean up enough to get a boy to like me. A cute one, at that :D


I make it sound like I only like him for an image boost haha it's not like that at all. It's really, really nice, to get kisses on the forehead, to hear that I look cute, and to cuddle. I think we're a great match too. He's the first boy I've liked in a LOOONG time where I can actually be myself around. Frat-boy type jokes, weird voices, etc. I can do all that around him without feeling like he's judging me. I always seem to go for guys who are A) judgemental and awkward, B) stupid and get bad grades, C) stoners, D) out of my league, or, E) all of the above. Not this one :D I really am happy with the good catch I got :]

Enough about that though. I'm beyond happy not to have school at the moment. Summer is just what I needed!

I found these on an anti-Mainstream Media project Flickr page. I normally find it annoying when people try to hard to do the whole rebellious-fuck-the-government-fuck-the-system-I-am-unique, just cause it's been turned into a fad before to do that. But these, I really like. On the Flickr page, above each picture, it always says, "Hey Mainstream Media! I am..."

"You won't always like what you have to do, but you gotta do it anyways."

Remember that, okay everyone?

I don't like this.

I don't like this, I don't like this, I really don't like this. I hate this. I have obsessed over this for waaaay too long. I'm being so immature, so childish. I wish I could just get over this.

It's hard to get over a wasted chance, that you were sooo close to. It's hard getting over the fact that you were screwed over. I don't know if I want to post this, the people who know what this is about will probably think that I need to move on really bad, when they see this. I need help moving on over it though! I don't know what's wrong with me, WHY does it still bother me so much?!

Old love

I focus so much on how I feel inside. I think it's a nice thing to make important, since a lot of people get to deep into a certain emotion before they really notice what's going on. And lately, I've just felt...quiet. There's nothing really there, just peace.

I've been drifting away from my religion lately. I hate it. I wish I had the devotion again. I used to pray before bedtime a lot. It feels weird admitting this, since I don't like to talk about my religious views much. It's just so personal, and besides, a part of the religions "rules", so to speak, basically say that it's not advised to discuss the religion/the works of the religion, with anyone who isn't a part of it. Because if you tell people about it, they tend to think you're a little weird. And their disbelief affects the power of your faith, and it doesn't work as well. If that makes sense? I probably sound so odd right now.

But really, I miss being really devoted to it. It gave me so much peace and happiness. There is a quote, "religon is the root of all evil". When I first saw it, I immediately thought of all the terrible things rooted in the beliefs of Christianity (homophobia, the holocaust, etc). But then I took my own religion into consideration, and backpedaled. My religion has held no responsibility for any evil. It teaches acceptance to everyone and everything, love of nature, and to be a good person. It teaches karma, so to speak.

"The Rule of Three (also Three-fold Law or Law of Return) is a religious tenet held by some Wiccans. It states that whatever energy a person puts out into the world, be it positive or negative, will be returned to that person three times."
When I have my good person moments, they are often inspired by just that. If only I had the devotion I used to.

I never discuss this with people, though. I refuse to be one of those people who shoves their religion down others throats. I don't even want to, anyways. It's a private joy for me, a safety net when things are going awful for me.
I miss it.

Can't pause for long

I've known for a long time to just go with the flow. Don't stop, don't put a big effort into talking about things, or complaining, just keep going. It's like I'm in a river, and if I stop swimming long enough, I'll get pulled down and drown.

Okay, I suppose I'm being overdramatic. But you know what I mean. I feel like I've been such an ugly person inside lately. I can be so shallow, judgemental, and mean behind peoples backs. It disgusts me. My old gross, loser self back in elementary school would have never been like this. Back then, I would be friends with ANYBODY, no matter how ugly, unpopular, or annoying (I never got annoyed). I was always, always cheerful and happy, with negative times just bouncing off me. I guess you could say I was a big picture person.

But I'm working on myself, somewhat. I can change myself for the better again, I just need to get down to it. It will happen eventually.

Looking forward.

Postsecret is taking over my blog, whoops.

I've re-read a lot of my recent posts. It bugs me a lot how negative I am on here. I'm not nearly as negative in person, I just like to rant about all my problems on blogspot. I should really to to include more cheer in these posts :)!

Tomorrow I turn 18. Wow. It isn't really affecting me, but boy does time fly! It seems like only a week ago that I was six, and playing in my front yard. I feel like I should be more scared to turn 18, but I'm really not. I guess it's one of those things that gets you all wide-eyed scared when you're little, but as you approach it, minute by minute, it's not quite as intimidating. I look forward to my birthday dinner. Close friends, a Pizookie from BJs, a septum piercing, and a sleepover. That's all I really want to have a good birthday.

Yum yum, so excited to eat that!

I love how things are going right now. It feels like everyone is treating me amazingly, like everyone is on my side. It brings tears to my eyes knowing that I have so many REAL friends in high school, the place that's famous for backstabbers and such. I feel so blessed :D

Someone stole Michael's ipod out of his car today. I sort of wanted to throw up when we all realized it was gone. Some of the people at Sheldon make me sick, the way they can just steal from others in the blink of an eye. Ugh.