Can't pause for long

I've known for a long time to just go with the flow. Don't stop, don't put a big effort into talking about things, or complaining, just keep going. It's like I'm in a river, and if I stop swimming long enough, I'll get pulled down and drown.

Okay, I suppose I'm being overdramatic. But you know what I mean. I feel like I've been such an ugly person inside lately. I can be so shallow, judgemental, and mean behind peoples backs. It disgusts me. My old gross, loser self back in elementary school would have never been like this. Back then, I would be friends with ANYBODY, no matter how ugly, unpopular, or annoying (I never got annoyed). I was always, always cheerful and happy, with negative times just bouncing off me. I guess you could say I was a big picture person.

But I'm working on myself, somewhat. I can change myself for the better again, I just need to get down to it. It will happen eventually.

Looking forward.

Postsecret is taking over my blog, whoops.

I've re-read a lot of my recent posts. It bugs me a lot how negative I am on here. I'm not nearly as negative in person, I just like to rant about all my problems on blogspot. I should really to to include more cheer in these posts :)!

Tomorrow I turn 18. Wow. It isn't really affecting me, but boy does time fly! It seems like only a week ago that I was six, and playing in my front yard. I feel like I should be more scared to turn 18, but I'm really not. I guess it's one of those things that gets you all wide-eyed scared when you're little, but as you approach it, minute by minute, it's not quite as intimidating. I look forward to my birthday dinner. Close friends, a Pizookie from BJs, a septum piercing, and a sleepover. That's all I really want to have a good birthday.

Yum yum, so excited to eat that!

I love how things are going right now. It feels like everyone is treating me amazingly, like everyone is on my side. It brings tears to my eyes knowing that I have so many REAL friends in high school, the place that's famous for backstabbers and such. I feel so blessed :D

Someone stole Michael's ipod out of his car today. I sort of wanted to throw up when we all realized it was gone. Some of the people at Sheldon make me sick, the way they can just steal from others in the blink of an eye. Ugh.

Nice to read

Some good.

I'm so happy I have friends who care enough about me to let me vent constantly for about three days straight. I love them :D

Lasting effects

Last night, as I tried to get to sleep, I found myself remembering that one time again. A year ago, when you slept over for the first time, and I read your texts. Your "phone was acting weird" and had "deleted some of your sent texts", but all I had to do was read your inbox to know what you had been saying. I saw texts saying things like, "okay bye, tell me if you get raped!" and "I'd be scared too. Hilary's kind of a creeper lol"
Two or three texts, that's all it took, and I've been traumatized ever since. I probably sound overdramatic, but if that's not it, then why have I been uncomfortable around all girls ever since? The stuff your stupid bitch friends (and you, probably) said hurt me so bad, and I'm still not over it. I get uncomfortable and nervous if I'm closer than a foot to a girl (mainly straight ones). I have this permanent phobia now that every girl is going to think I'm hitting on them, or that I want to rape them or whatever. I hate it so much. I think about that night all the time, and I've definitely cried over it. I wish I could just forget about it, I didn't even really like those girls that much. I guess it really just hurt because I know YOU, one of my close, trusted friends, was saying stuff like that too. That's the worst part.

I hope I'll get over it someday.

Valentines Day

I get more excited about reading Postsecret on holidays than any other time, because that's when Frank gets really picky about the secrets that are posted. They're always better than they normally are.











This is the first year I've had a valentine (even if it's not totally serious) :)

Hah!

I got over you when you finally talked to me. It made me realize I missed you not in the attraction way, but as a friend. I spent every day of the semester with you basically, so of course I would miss you since you instantly stopped talking to me when our schedules changed. Some psychologist wannabe I am, I should've realized this sooner.

And now you've stopped talking to me again, but I'm pretty much over you. Just as I knew would happen with time. This is why I tell people all they need is time, when they tell me how they miss someone. Because time will bring healing about 100% of the time, wanted or unwanted. You just have to wait long enough.....it's all about patience, you see?
I wished I didn't feel so forgotten sometimes though. Is there something about me that makes me just sort of...forgettable? I don't want to be that person who just sort of fades out of your mind when I'm not around. I'm so needy when it comes to love and attention, which is ridiculous since I love to be alone so much of the time. But then again, that's part of me. I've read it in tons of astrology books. Pisces need alone time. Not want, NEED. Or they'll go crazy. If I don't get enough alone time before school, I'll go through the day jittery and restless. I'm so demanding. I love to sit at home and have me time, yet I want to be valued and cared for. So needy, I annoy myself.


Ps. I'm excited for THIS(click) to come in the mail....flipped through it at Borders, looks very handy. AND it got good reviews!