Last night was so stupid. The realization of my lack of interest, the security guard, your unspoken annoyance, the ending of the night. So stupid. I hadn't seen you in more than a week, and was glad to have a little jolt of "god, he's so cute" when I got in the car and saw you. Because it's never fun hooking up with someone you aren't into. You asked me, what do you want to do? I was tired, it was around 9, but I suggested we go find a place to make out, since I hadn't been able to kiss you or see you while you were in Ohio. And honestly, our last car-make-out session was fabulous. So we drove to Sheldon, parked in the back parking lot, and that's when I realized I wasn't into it. I thought, he's going to have bad breath again. He's going to hint at me to give him a blow job, and I don't want to. I sound like such a girl saying this, but I just wanted to cuddle. Barely even that, since the attraction has been fading. But of course, you dove right now, and I will say right now that bad breath=bad for kissing. I got my wish for a break when some random teenagers drove their car and parked somewhat near us, and got out and started talking. So we just sat there, me in your arms, and talked. But it wasn't like last time, where we had a great talk. It was more of quick stories, with long silences. And then THAT came up. "Why do you not like commitment so much? You've told me not to get attached, and you also told that to Cassie." "I wouldn't say I'm afraid of commitment. I'm just realistic. I know we're young, and we're not going to married until much later. So I tell girls not to get attached just so they remember that, so there isn't as much pain when it actually does end. You just really want to find someone who wants what YOU want, you know?" I'm thinking, "If you automatically assume your relationship isn't going to last, then how do you ever expect to find the right person?" I wish I had asked that now, but I didn't. Then you asked me how I felt about oral sex. Why don't you just leave that alone? I said, "I don't think I'd want to do that with anyone unless we had been actually dating for a while..." We talked about that for a bit, and I think you were realizing that the most YOU will get from me is kissing. I have grown up with a great father figure in my life. I've learned not to let myself be used or disrespected by boys. And I'm pretty sure that you aren't as into me as you used to be, you just consider me a good hookup to pass the time till college, and that you thought you could maybe get a blowjob out of me too. Which isn't happening. When we hung out a while ago, I asked you about other people. And you told me, "I'm actually glad you asked me that. I know sound like an asshole saying this, but I don't want you to get to attached, because I know I'll meet other girls in college." WHY DID YOU HAVE TO SAY THAT? You officially turned our relationship into a ticking time bomb after that. I feel like our relationship is going so downhill, because we both officially know that it's going to end anyways. I know, most relationships do end eventually. But hello, you're not supposed to think of it like that! You're supposed to live in the moment. But no, I have a "realist" like you, who gives unnecessary reality checks. Thanks..
Finally, the teenagers left, and I got you to take some gum. Thank goodness for whoever invented that incredible thing. You took your shirt off, I took off mine, but it was NOT the hot atmosphere that we had last time. After a while, a security van pulled up. It took me forever to get my shirt on, since I couldn't find it. You got out with your jacket on, and we both had to talk to the security guard. "You could get fined for trespassing. And if she's not 18, you could get in trouble for statutory rape (really? REALLY? Come on...) since I saw you both were naked." "We weren't naked, we just had no shirt on..." We figured everything out, just a report is going to be given to Sheldon so they can fine us if they want. But we had to go home. As you drove me home, you were quiet, and I realized something was wrong as we turned into my street. "Are you alright? You seem kind of unhappy.." "I'm a little upset". We pull into my driveway, you kill the car. "I don't know if we should keep this going...I don't think your parents like you hanging out with me." Then you started giving all these excuses; you're leaving for Europe in two weeks and won't have much time for me...when you get back, you won't have much time for me before college starts, you'll meet other girls in college, and what if you meet another girl before college, you know I won't like that, you know I'll be busy with school too, you can't give me a real relationship, which you think I want. I started throwing back at you. "I don't care, I don't care. It's fine. I like what we have right now, I don't need a relationship. I just want this to go on normally until you start college. Let's hang out normally until you go to Europe, then you can see how you feel when you get back. If you're still into it, we can keep going until college. I like having a boy."
You say, alright. Did you seem reluctant? I couldn't tell. But I don't think I want this anymore. I want the self esteem boost of having a cute boy. But I'm really not into you anymore, that much. You're cute, I can't ignore that. But we are so wrong for each other...Tahani described you as uptight, and I couldn't agree more. You are such a cool, amazing, fun guy...at first. But when I really, really got to hang out with YOU a lot, I started seeing to much immaturity in you. You're really kind of a douche sometimes, but nobody would realize that unless they'd hung out with you a LOT. I see now why you only hang out with your group of guy friends. They've grown up with you, so they're totally used to your bad qualities. We're not meant for each other though, we really aren't.
Tarot.com gives the most accurate love horoscopes I've EVER seen, so I do listen to its advice. "For the Week of Aug 2nd, 2010 -- This weekend is anything but settling for those seeking love. Sure, the romance planet Venus enters her endearing home sign Libra on Friday night, which increases interest in relationships, but she's encountering such turbulent planetary waters that relationships may be exciting but are unlikely to be easy."
And for my sign personally:
"Pisces Horoscopes
(Feb 19 - Mar 20)
For the Week of Aug 2nd, 2010 -- Sweet, sensitive Pisces, you were supposed to enjoy yourself this weekend with the Moon entering your 5th House of Romance on Friday. But Luna and loving Venus are crashing into crazy connections with complicated planets that can turn your head, your heart and your emotions every which way. Don't apply undue pressure on things that just aren't done cooking yet. "
See, I'm pretty sure that means I should not end our relationship yet...maybe it will look up? But it could also be applying to a certain other thing I have going on. Either way, I'm going to keep going with the flow.
http://www.tarot.com/astrology/weekly-love-horoscopes/pisces-horoscope/?weekof=20100802
Thursday, August 5, 2010
Thursday, July 22, 2010
Tuesday, July 13, 2010
Still alive!
It's been a LONG time since I updated this. Whenever I feel stirred by something lately, I just don't care to write about it. I find that most of the time, not making a big deal about it on here helps me get over it faster.
Things have been going good lately. It's very, very nice to have a boy. I can only hope this one doesn't end for a while. I'd at least like it to last through summer! It's great for my self esteem. I no longer have to feel like that girl who acts like "one of the guys". It feels great to prove that I can actually clean up enough to get a boy to like me. A cute one, at that :D
I make it sound like I only like him for an image boost haha it's not like that at all. It's really, really nice, to get kisses on the forehead, to hear that I look cute, and to cuddle. I think we're a great match too. He's the first boy I've liked in a LOOONG time where I can actually be myself around. Frat-boy type jokes, weird voices, etc. I can do all that around him without feeling like he's judging me. I always seem to go for guys who are A) judgemental and awkward, B) stupid and get bad grades, C) stoners, D) out of my league, or, E) all of the above. Not this one :D I really am happy with the good catch I got :]
Enough about that though. I'm beyond happy not to have school at the moment. Summer is just what I needed!
I found these on an anti-Mainstream Media project Flickr page. I normally find it annoying when people try to hard to do the whole rebellious-fuck-the-government-fuck-the-system-I-am-unique, just cause it's been turned into a fad before to do that. But these, I really like. On the Flickr page, above each picture, it always says, "Hey Mainstream Media! I am..."
Things have been going good lately. It's very, very nice to have a boy. I can only hope this one doesn't end for a while. I'd at least like it to last through summer! It's great for my self esteem. I no longer have to feel like that girl who acts like "one of the guys". It feels great to prove that I can actually clean up enough to get a boy to like me. A cute one, at that :D
I make it sound like I only like him for an image boost haha it's not like that at all. It's really, really nice, to get kisses on the forehead, to hear that I look cute, and to cuddle. I think we're a great match too. He's the first boy I've liked in a LOOONG time where I can actually be myself around. Frat-boy type jokes, weird voices, etc. I can do all that around him without feeling like he's judging me. I always seem to go for guys who are A) judgemental and awkward, B) stupid and get bad grades, C) stoners, D) out of my league, or, E) all of the above. Not this one :D I really am happy with the good catch I got :]
Enough about that though. I'm beyond happy not to have school at the moment. Summer is just what I needed!
I found these on an anti-Mainstream Media project Flickr page. I normally find it annoying when people try to hard to do the whole rebellious-fuck-the-government-fuck-the-system-I-am-unique, just cause it's been turned into a fad before to do that. But these, I really like. On the Flickr page, above each picture, it always says, "Hey Mainstream Media! I am..."
Thursday, June 3, 2010
"You won't always like what you have to do, but you gotta do it anyways."
Remember that, okay everyone?
Thursday, May 20, 2010
I don't like this.
I don't like this, I don't like this, I really don't like this. I hate this. I have obsessed over this for waaaay too long. I'm being so immature, so childish. I wish I could just get over this.
It's hard to get over a wasted chance, that you were sooo close to. It's hard getting over the fact that you were screwed over. I don't know if I want to post this, the people who know what this is about will probably think that I need to move on really bad, when they see this. I need help moving on over it though! I don't know what's wrong with me, WHY does it still bother me so much?!
It's hard to get over a wasted chance, that you were sooo close to. It's hard getting over the fact that you were screwed over. I don't know if I want to post this, the people who know what this is about will probably think that I need to move on really bad, when they see this. I need help moving on over it though! I don't know what's wrong with me, WHY does it still bother me so much?!
Sunday, April 25, 2010
Old love
I focus so much on how I feel inside. I think it's a nice thing to make important, since a lot of people get to deep into a certain emotion before they really notice what's going on. And lately, I've just felt...quiet. There's nothing really there, just peace.
I've been drifting away from my religion lately. I hate it. I wish I had the devotion again. I used to pray before bedtime a lot. It feels weird admitting this, since I don't like to talk about my religious views much. It's just so personal, and besides, a part of the religions "rules", so to speak, basically say that it's not advised to discuss the religion/the works of the religion, with anyone who isn't a part of it. Because if you tell people about it, they tend to think you're a little weird. And their disbelief affects the power of your faith, and it doesn't work as well. If that makes sense? I probably sound so odd right now.
But really, I miss being really devoted to it. It gave me so much peace and happiness. There is a quote, "religon is the root of all evil". When I first saw it, I immediately thought of all the terrible things rooted in the beliefs of Christianity (homophobia, the holocaust, etc). But then I took my own religion into consideration, and backpedaled. My religion has held no responsibility for any evil. It teaches acceptance to everyone and everything, love of nature, and to be a good person. It teaches karma, so to speak.
"The Rule of Three (also Three-fold Law or Law of Return) is a religious tenet held by some Wiccans. It states that whatever energy a person puts out into the world, be it positive or negative, will be returned to that person three times."
When I have my good person moments, they are often inspired by just that. If only I had the devotion I used to.
I never discuss this with people, though. I refuse to be one of those people who shoves their religion down others throats. I don't even want to, anyways. It's a private joy for me, a safety net when things are going awful for me.
I miss it.
I've been drifting away from my religion lately. I hate it. I wish I had the devotion again. I used to pray before bedtime a lot. It feels weird admitting this, since I don't like to talk about my religious views much. It's just so personal, and besides, a part of the religions "rules", so to speak, basically say that it's not advised to discuss the religion/the works of the religion, with anyone who isn't a part of it. Because if you tell people about it, they tend to think you're a little weird. And their disbelief affects the power of your faith, and it doesn't work as well. If that makes sense? I probably sound so odd right now.
But really, I miss being really devoted to it. It gave me so much peace and happiness. There is a quote, "religon is the root of all evil". When I first saw it, I immediately thought of all the terrible things rooted in the beliefs of Christianity (homophobia, the holocaust, etc). But then I took my own religion into consideration, and backpedaled. My religion has held no responsibility for any evil. It teaches acceptance to everyone and everything, love of nature, and to be a good person. It teaches karma, so to speak.
"The Rule of Three (also Three-fold Law or Law of Return) is a religious tenet held by some Wiccans. It states that whatever energy a person puts out into the world, be it positive or negative, will be returned to that person three times."
When I have my good person moments, they are often inspired by just that. If only I had the devotion I used to.
I never discuss this with people, though. I refuse to be one of those people who shoves their religion down others throats. I don't even want to, anyways. It's a private joy for me, a safety net when things are going awful for me.
I miss it.
Friday, March 12, 2010
Can't pause for long
I've known for a long time to just go with the flow. Don't stop, don't put a big effort into talking about things, or complaining, just keep going. It's like I'm in a river, and if I stop swimming long enough, I'll get pulled down and drown.
Okay, I suppose I'm being overdramatic. But you know what I mean. I feel like I've been such an ugly person inside lately. I can be so shallow, judgemental, and mean behind peoples backs. It disgusts me. My old gross, loser self back in elementary school would have never been like this. Back then, I would be friends with ANYBODY, no matter how ugly, unpopular, or annoying (I never got annoyed). I was always, always cheerful and happy, with negative times just bouncing off me. I guess you could say I was a big picture person.
But I'm working on myself, somewhat. I can change myself for the better again, I just need to get down to it. It will happen eventually.
Okay, I suppose I'm being overdramatic. But you know what I mean. I feel like I've been such an ugly person inside lately. I can be so shallow, judgemental, and mean behind peoples backs. It disgusts me. My old gross, loser self back in elementary school would have never been like this. Back then, I would be friends with ANYBODY, no matter how ugly, unpopular, or annoying (I never got annoyed). I was always, always cheerful and happy, with negative times just bouncing off me. I guess you could say I was a big picture person.
But I'm working on myself, somewhat. I can change myself for the better again, I just need to get down to it. It will happen eventually.
Friday, March 5, 2010
Looking forward.
Postsecret is taking over my blog, whoops.
I've re-read a lot of my recent posts. It bugs me a lot how negative I am on here. I'm not nearly as negative in person, I just like to rant about all my problems on blogspot. I should really to to include more cheer in these posts :)!
Tomorrow I turn 18. Wow. It isn't really affecting me, but boy does time fly! It seems like only a week ago that I was six, and playing in my front yard. I feel like I should be more scared to turn 18, but I'm really not. I guess it's one of those things that gets you all wide-eyed scared when you're little, but as you approach it, minute by minute, it's not quite as intimidating. I look forward to my birthday dinner. Close friends, a Pizookie from BJs, a septum piercing, and a sleepover. That's all I really want to have a good birthday.
Yum yum, so excited to eat that!
I love how things are going right now. It feels like everyone is treating me amazingly, like everyone is on my side. It brings tears to my eyes knowing that I have so many REAL friends in high school, the place that's famous for backstabbers and such. I feel so blessed :D
Someone stole Michael's ipod out of his car today. I sort of wanted to throw up when we all realized it was gone. Some of the people at Sheldon make me sick, the way they can just steal from others in the blink of an eye. Ugh.
I've re-read a lot of my recent posts. It bugs me a lot how negative I am on here. I'm not nearly as negative in person, I just like to rant about all my problems on blogspot. I should really to to include more cheer in these posts :)!
Tomorrow I turn 18. Wow. It isn't really affecting me, but boy does time fly! It seems like only a week ago that I was six, and playing in my front yard. I feel like I should be more scared to turn 18, but I'm really not. I guess it's one of those things that gets you all wide-eyed scared when you're little, but as you approach it, minute by minute, it's not quite as intimidating. I look forward to my birthday dinner. Close friends, a Pizookie from BJs, a septum piercing, and a sleepover. That's all I really want to have a good birthday.
Yum yum, so excited to eat that!
I love how things are going right now. It feels like everyone is treating me amazingly, like everyone is on my side. It brings tears to my eyes knowing that I have so many REAL friends in high school, the place that's famous for backstabbers and such. I feel so blessed :D
Someone stole Michael's ipod out of his car today. I sort of wanted to throw up when we all realized it was gone. Some of the people at Sheldon make me sick, the way they can just steal from others in the blink of an eye. Ugh.
Sunday, February 21, 2010
Thursday, February 18, 2010
Some good.
I'm so happy I have friends who care enough about me to let me vent constantly for about three days straight. I love them :D
Monday, February 15, 2010
Lasting effects
Last night, as I tried to get to sleep, I found myself remembering that one time again. A year ago, when you slept over for the first time, and I read your texts. Your "phone was acting weird" and had "deleted some of your sent texts", but all I had to do was read your inbox to know what you had been saying. I saw texts saying things like, "okay bye, tell me if you get raped!" and "I'd be scared too. Hilary's kind of a creeper lol"
Two or three texts, that's all it took, and I've been traumatized ever since. I probably sound overdramatic, but if that's not it, then why have I been uncomfortable around all girls ever since? The stuff your stupid bitch friends (and you, probably) said hurt me so bad, and I'm still not over it. I get uncomfortable and nervous if I'm closer than a foot to a girl (mainly straight ones). I have this permanent phobia now that every girl is going to think I'm hitting on them, or that I want to rape them or whatever. I hate it so much. I think about that night all the time, and I've definitely cried over it. I wish I could just forget about it, I didn't even really like those girls that much. I guess it really just hurt because I know YOU, one of my close, trusted friends, was saying stuff like that too. That's the worst part.
I hope I'll get over it someday.
Two or three texts, that's all it took, and I've been traumatized ever since. I probably sound overdramatic, but if that's not it, then why have I been uncomfortable around all girls ever since? The stuff your stupid bitch friends (and you, probably) said hurt me so bad, and I'm still not over it. I get uncomfortable and nervous if I'm closer than a foot to a girl (mainly straight ones). I have this permanent phobia now that every girl is going to think I'm hitting on them, or that I want to rape them or whatever. I hate it so much. I think about that night all the time, and I've definitely cried over it. I wish I could just forget about it, I didn't even really like those girls that much. I guess it really just hurt because I know YOU, one of my close, trusted friends, was saying stuff like that too. That's the worst part.
I hope I'll get over it someday.
Sunday, February 14, 2010
Valentines Day
I get more excited about reading Postsecret on holidays than any other time, because that's when Frank gets really picky about the secrets that are posted. They're always better than they normally are.
This is the first year I've had a valentine (even if it's not totally serious) :)
This is the first year I've had a valentine (even if it's not totally serious) :)
Wednesday, February 10, 2010
Hah!
I got over you when you finally talked to me. It made me realize I missed you not in the attraction way, but as a friend. I spent every day of the semester with you basically, so of course I would miss you since you instantly stopped talking to me when our schedules changed. Some psychologist wannabe I am, I should've realized this sooner.
And now you've stopped talking to me again, but I'm pretty much over you. Just as I knew would happen with time. This is why I tell people all they need is time, when they tell me how they miss someone. Because time will bring healing about 100% of the time, wanted or unwanted. You just have to wait long enough.....it's all about patience, you see?
I wished I didn't feel so forgotten sometimes though. Is there something about me that makes me just sort of...forgettable? I don't want to be that person who just sort of fades out of your mind when I'm not around. I'm so needy when it comes to love and attention, which is ridiculous since I love to be alone so much of the time. But then again, that's part of me. I've read it in tons of astrology books. Pisces need alone time. Not want, NEED. Or they'll go crazy. If I don't get enough alone time before school, I'll go through the day jittery and restless. I'm so demanding. I love to sit at home and have me time, yet I want to be valued and cared for. So needy, I annoy myself.
Ps. I'm excited for THIS(click) to come in the mail....flipped through it at Borders, looks very handy. AND it got good reviews!
And now you've stopped talking to me again, but I'm pretty much over you. Just as I knew would happen with time. This is why I tell people all they need is time, when they tell me how they miss someone. Because time will bring healing about 100% of the time, wanted or unwanted. You just have to wait long enough.....it's all about patience, you see?
I wished I didn't feel so forgotten sometimes though. Is there something about me that makes me just sort of...forgettable? I don't want to be that person who just sort of fades out of your mind when I'm not around. I'm so needy when it comes to love and attention, which is ridiculous since I love to be alone so much of the time. But then again, that's part of me. I've read it in tons of astrology books. Pisces need alone time. Not want, NEED. Or they'll go crazy. If I don't get enough alone time before school, I'll go through the day jittery and restless. I'm so demanding. I love to sit at home and have me time, yet I want to be valued and cared for. So needy, I annoy myself.
Ps. I'm excited for THIS(click) to come in the mail....flipped through it at Borders, looks very handy. AND it got good reviews!
Tuesday, February 2, 2010
Venting, needed badly.
I have so much to talk about, I haven't posted on here in a while..
I hate how much I've changed since the start of the year. I used to be super genuinely friendly and smiley when I saw people, now I can hardly even manage a tight lipped, fake smile. I used to wave crazily, now I barely react. I feel so numb a lot of the time. Even when I talk to someone who doesn't get me very excited, I can feel myself sort of fading inside. I sound so emo saying that :/
I hate how much I changed FOR YOU. I really did change for you. I made myself calm down and not be so weird because you didn't really like it. I made myself more quiet around a lot of people when I liked you, and now it's part of my personality. Ever since I met you and started liking you, I started holding back at saying things, cause I didn't want to be overtalkative. Now I do that constantly, I don't say half as much as I should, it feels like. I've even changed my texting! You always said my exclamation marks made me sound to excited, so I got used to texting like, "haha yeah. That's gross. So what'd you do today?" Ughhh! Fuck you, I'll use all the damn smileys and exclamation marks I want. Oh, and I've become such a lazy texter because of how I adjusted my style for you.
I feel lame beyond lame venting about this, but it's been bugging me.
I hate how you ignore me now though....:( I liked when you liked me. I really did. I forgot how amazing it is when the feeling is mutual. And you talking to me constantly made me feel so wanted and special. I can't describe how happy it made me when every night, a new text from you would light up my phone, saying hello. I loved it loved it loved it. K, I make it sound like we had one of those stupid texting relationships, but we didn't. Not that we dated, but you get it. I just remember that one Saturday when you texted me around 12, and we talked for 11 hours straight. Sooo nice, so nice. But now, you never say hi, you ignore me, and you definitely never text me. And when I DO text you, I get those annoying one word responses that you never gave me before, but I know you give everyone else. Oh well, at least you don't treat me like that one girl, whO you just text "hjbfgjdbhjg" in reply to everything she says. I have gone on for far to long about you, but it just bugs me how close I was to dating you before you stopped liking me. It's sooo rare for me and a guy to like each other mutually, so I am having the hardest time moving on subconsciously.
Fuck it >:(
I don't feel pretty lately. I hope it's just a phase. I feel like my hair is to thin, it's an ugly color, I don't pull off my clothes well enough, and I'm just not pretty. Typical, depressed-because-of-the-bad-weather teenage girl rant. Moving on now.
I'm dropping you as a friend, and it's going pretty well. I sound terrible announcing this in a blog. But I won't lie, you bore me to tears most of the time. I hate hate HATE how you text. It's just so boring, so annoying. You talk so prim and proper. "Of course. We will hang out soon(: How is the job search coming? Haha." I just don't like it. You're obsessed with your boyfriend, even though like nobody likes him. You're so SO full of yourself, and when you start talking bad about someone (even one of my friends!), you neeeeever stop. Like when you went on for about ten minutes on how Zach totally stole the idea of getting his bridge pierced from your boyfriend....? Shut the fuck up, he did not. Thousands of people have that piercing, he didn't "steal the idea" from anyone in general. And lastly, ever since we had that fight about two years where you accused me of being "like, in love" with your boyfriend, I have not been nealrly as comfortable around you. I always feel like I have to suck up to you in order to avoid pissing you off. And you wouldn't even talk to me about it if I did piss you off. You'd just say stuff about me to your boyfriend, again! Ugh. I need to stop. I just wish you'd get the hint though and stop trying to contact me.
Writing this post makes me realize I've been holding in so much anger. I'm depressed because of this weather, too :/ I sound awful writing all this....my blog always makes me sound a terrible person. Oh well, I needed to get this out.
I miss Danielle so badly. She's the first person I want to text when I have my depression episodes. Sometimes I cry because I need her back here so badly. Not even to really talk to, just to have back here. Period. Because she was so comforting.
I love Kate, she truly is the best friend in the world to me. Hanging out with her this weekend reminded me of that. Not that I ever forget, but it never ceases to amaze me how much I can have in common with someone, while still having the perfect amount of different interests. I love how she always listens, and is totally cool with me talking the entire time. And I love that we bond over wolves...I mean, what?
I miss Michael so bad :( He's one of my favorite people in the world to talk to, about ANYTHING, not just serious stuff. I sometimes have random moments where I desperately miss someone, and want to hang out with them asap. Had one of those moments about him a few minutes ago, and decided to write about it on here. I hope he can do lunch tomorrow.
Jade and I almost hung out today, but her mom told her she had to go to her cheer event. I remember when her and I were super close in 8th grade. I miss those days.
Writing this post feels good. A thousand apologies for all the negativity and shit talking...
I hate how much I've changed since the start of the year. I used to be super genuinely friendly and smiley when I saw people, now I can hardly even manage a tight lipped, fake smile. I used to wave crazily, now I barely react. I feel so numb a lot of the time. Even when I talk to someone who doesn't get me very excited, I can feel myself sort of fading inside. I sound so emo saying that :/
I hate how much I changed FOR YOU. I really did change for you. I made myself calm down and not be so weird because you didn't really like it. I made myself more quiet around a lot of people when I liked you, and now it's part of my personality. Ever since I met you and started liking you, I started holding back at saying things, cause I didn't want to be overtalkative. Now I do that constantly, I don't say half as much as I should, it feels like. I've even changed my texting! You always said my exclamation marks made me sound to excited, so I got used to texting like, "haha yeah. That's gross. So what'd you do today?" Ughhh! Fuck you, I'll use all the damn smileys and exclamation marks I want. Oh, and I've become such a lazy texter because of how I adjusted my style for you.
I feel lame beyond lame venting about this, but it's been bugging me.
I hate how you ignore me now though....:( I liked when you liked me. I really did. I forgot how amazing it is when the feeling is mutual. And you talking to me constantly made me feel so wanted and special. I can't describe how happy it made me when every night, a new text from you would light up my phone, saying hello. I loved it loved it loved it. K, I make it sound like we had one of those stupid texting relationships, but we didn't. Not that we dated, but you get it. I just remember that one Saturday when you texted me around 12, and we talked for 11 hours straight. Sooo nice, so nice. But now, you never say hi, you ignore me, and you definitely never text me. And when I DO text you, I get those annoying one word responses that you never gave me before, but I know you give everyone else. Oh well, at least you don't treat me like that one girl, whO you just text "hjbfgjdbhjg" in reply to everything she says. I have gone on for far to long about you, but it just bugs me how close I was to dating you before you stopped liking me. It's sooo rare for me and a guy to like each other mutually, so I am having the hardest time moving on subconsciously.
Fuck it >:(
I don't feel pretty lately. I hope it's just a phase. I feel like my hair is to thin, it's an ugly color, I don't pull off my clothes well enough, and I'm just not pretty. Typical, depressed-because-of-the-bad-weather teenage girl rant. Moving on now.
I'm dropping you as a friend, and it's going pretty well. I sound terrible announcing this in a blog. But I won't lie, you bore me to tears most of the time. I hate hate HATE how you text. It's just so boring, so annoying. You talk so prim and proper. "Of course. We will hang out soon(: How is the job search coming? Haha." I just don't like it. You're obsessed with your boyfriend, even though like nobody likes him. You're so SO full of yourself, and when you start talking bad about someone (even one of my friends!), you neeeeever stop. Like when you went on for about ten minutes on how Zach totally stole the idea of getting his bridge pierced from your boyfriend....? Shut the fuck up, he did not. Thousands of people have that piercing, he didn't "steal the idea" from anyone in general. And lastly, ever since we had that fight about two years where you accused me of being "like, in love" with your boyfriend, I have not been nealrly as comfortable around you. I always feel like I have to suck up to you in order to avoid pissing you off. And you wouldn't even talk to me about it if I did piss you off. You'd just say stuff about me to your boyfriend, again! Ugh. I need to stop. I just wish you'd get the hint though and stop trying to contact me.
Writing this post makes me realize I've been holding in so much anger. I'm depressed because of this weather, too :/ I sound awful writing all this....my blog always makes me sound a terrible person. Oh well, I needed to get this out.
I miss Danielle so badly. She's the first person I want to text when I have my depression episodes. Sometimes I cry because I need her back here so badly. Not even to really talk to, just to have back here. Period. Because she was so comforting.
I love Kate, she truly is the best friend in the world to me. Hanging out with her this weekend reminded me of that. Not that I ever forget, but it never ceases to amaze me how much I can have in common with someone, while still having the perfect amount of different interests. I love how she always listens, and is totally cool with me talking the entire time. And I love that we bond over wolves...I mean, what?
I miss Michael so bad :( He's one of my favorite people in the world to talk to, about ANYTHING, not just serious stuff. I sometimes have random moments where I desperately miss someone, and want to hang out with them asap. Had one of those moments about him a few minutes ago, and decided to write about it on here. I hope he can do lunch tomorrow.
Jade and I almost hung out today, but her mom told her she had to go to her cheer event. I remember when her and I were super close in 8th grade. I miss those days.
Writing this post feels good. A thousand apologies for all the negativity and shit talking...
Thursday, January 7, 2010
Monday, January 4, 2010
My posts always make me sound so conceited :/
I care about what others think of me. I care a lot. I feel so refreshing admitting that, because soooo many people I know say they "don't give a fuck". And you know what?
Almost NONE of "idgaf" people have many friends. And if they do, they aren't that great of friends, or they don't stick around long. This reassures me that it's fine to care what people think of me, because I have plenty of friends. Why? Because I care enough to not do things that would make them not want to hang out with me. If that makes sense. Sure, I lose friends like everybody. But I always do, and pretty much always have, had plenty.
I don't want people to think I'm gross, mean, annoying, a party girl, a slut, whatever. Before I do something big, I constantly think about how it could potentially damage my reputation. Sure, I don't mind doing some annoying things, like yelling to my friends across the hall, or being the super talkative kid in class....but I don't see how girls can just hook up with dozens of guys while not giving a shit about the image they're setting in the public eye. I don't get how girls can draw all the attention to themselves CONSTANTLY without caring that they seem annoying. You know? Things like that. I value respect and friendship a lot, so I really try to keep all of that.
I occasionally have moments though, where I get comfortable, and I let something slip. I let my walls down. I do something that I know could get me less respect on a larger scale. I just did something like that, in fact. And it scared me. I don't like it. I don't like the thought of what I said just sitting there, exposed to everybody and their judgment. Okay, I make it sound like I think I'm the center of the world or something. I know I'm not! But I'm aware lots of people could see it, and it's making me nervous.
Almost NONE of "idgaf" people have many friends. And if they do, they aren't that great of friends, or they don't stick around long. This reassures me that it's fine to care what people think of me, because I have plenty of friends. Why? Because I care enough to not do things that would make them not want to hang out with me. If that makes sense. Sure, I lose friends like everybody. But I always do, and pretty much always have, had plenty.
I don't want people to think I'm gross, mean, annoying, a party girl, a slut, whatever. Before I do something big, I constantly think about how it could potentially damage my reputation. Sure, I don't mind doing some annoying things, like yelling to my friends across the hall, or being the super talkative kid in class....but I don't see how girls can just hook up with dozens of guys while not giving a shit about the image they're setting in the public eye. I don't get how girls can draw all the attention to themselves CONSTANTLY without caring that they seem annoying. You know? Things like that. I value respect and friendship a lot, so I really try to keep all of that.
I occasionally have moments though, where I get comfortable, and I let something slip. I let my walls down. I do something that I know could get me less respect on a larger scale. I just did something like that, in fact. And it scared me. I don't like it. I don't like the thought of what I said just sitting there, exposed to everybody and their judgment. Okay, I make it sound like I think I'm the center of the world or something. I know I'm not! But I'm aware lots of people could see it, and it's making me nervous.
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