I don't like this, I don't like this, I really don't like this. I hate this. I have obsessed over this for waaaay too long. I'm being so immature, so childish. I wish I could just get over this.
It's hard to get over a wasted chance, that you were sooo close to. It's hard getting over the fact that you were screwed over. I don't know if I want to post this, the people who know what this is about will probably think that I need to move on really bad, when they see this. I need help moving on over it though! I don't know what's wrong with me, WHY does it still bother me so much?!
Thursday, May 20, 2010
Sunday, April 25, 2010
Old love
I focus so much on how I feel inside. I think it's a nice thing to make important, since a lot of people get to deep into a certain emotion before they really notice what's going on. And lately, I've just felt...quiet. There's nothing really there, just peace.
I've been drifting away from my religion lately. I hate it. I wish I had the devotion again. I used to pray before bedtime a lot. It feels weird admitting this, since I don't like to talk about my religious views much. It's just so personal, and besides, a part of the religions "rules", so to speak, basically say that it's not advised to discuss the religion/the works of the religion, with anyone who isn't a part of it. Because if you tell people about it, they tend to think you're a little weird. And their disbelief affects the power of your faith, and it doesn't work as well. If that makes sense? I probably sound so odd right now.
But really, I miss being really devoted to it. It gave me so much peace and happiness. There is a quote, "religon is the root of all evil". When I first saw it, I immediately thought of all the terrible things rooted in the beliefs of Christianity (homophobia, the holocaust, etc). But then I took my own religion into consideration, and backpedaled. My religion has held no responsibility for any evil. It teaches acceptance to everyone and everything, love of nature, and to be a good person. It teaches karma, so to speak.
"The Rule of Three (also Three-fold Law or Law of Return) is a religious tenet held by some Wiccans. It states that whatever energy a person puts out into the world, be it positive or negative, will be returned to that person three times."
When I have my good person moments, they are often inspired by just that. If only I had the devotion I used to.
I never discuss this with people, though. I refuse to be one of those people who shoves their religion down others throats. I don't even want to, anyways. It's a private joy for me, a safety net when things are going awful for me.
I miss it.
I've been drifting away from my religion lately. I hate it. I wish I had the devotion again. I used to pray before bedtime a lot. It feels weird admitting this, since I don't like to talk about my religious views much. It's just so personal, and besides, a part of the religions "rules", so to speak, basically say that it's not advised to discuss the religion/the works of the religion, with anyone who isn't a part of it. Because if you tell people about it, they tend to think you're a little weird. And their disbelief affects the power of your faith, and it doesn't work as well. If that makes sense? I probably sound so odd right now.
But really, I miss being really devoted to it. It gave me so much peace and happiness. There is a quote, "religon is the root of all evil". When I first saw it, I immediately thought of all the terrible things rooted in the beliefs of Christianity (homophobia, the holocaust, etc). But then I took my own religion into consideration, and backpedaled. My religion has held no responsibility for any evil. It teaches acceptance to everyone and everything, love of nature, and to be a good person. It teaches karma, so to speak.
"The Rule of Three (also Three-fold Law or Law of Return) is a religious tenet held by some Wiccans. It states that whatever energy a person puts out into the world, be it positive or negative, will be returned to that person three times."
When I have my good person moments, they are often inspired by just that. If only I had the devotion I used to.
I never discuss this with people, though. I refuse to be one of those people who shoves their religion down others throats. I don't even want to, anyways. It's a private joy for me, a safety net when things are going awful for me.
I miss it.
Friday, March 12, 2010
Can't pause for long
I've known for a long time to just go with the flow. Don't stop, don't put a big effort into talking about things, or complaining, just keep going. It's like I'm in a river, and if I stop swimming long enough, I'll get pulled down and drown.
Okay, I suppose I'm being overdramatic. But you know what I mean. I feel like I've been such an ugly person inside lately. I can be so shallow, judgemental, and mean behind peoples backs. It disgusts me. My old gross, loser self back in elementary school would have never been like this. Back then, I would be friends with ANYBODY, no matter how ugly, unpopular, or annoying (I never got annoyed). I was always, always cheerful and happy, with negative times just bouncing off me. I guess you could say I was a big picture person.
But I'm working on myself, somewhat. I can change myself for the better again, I just need to get down to it. It will happen eventually.
Okay, I suppose I'm being overdramatic. But you know what I mean. I feel like I've been such an ugly person inside lately. I can be so shallow, judgemental, and mean behind peoples backs. It disgusts me. My old gross, loser self back in elementary school would have never been like this. Back then, I would be friends with ANYBODY, no matter how ugly, unpopular, or annoying (I never got annoyed). I was always, always cheerful and happy, with negative times just bouncing off me. I guess you could say I was a big picture person.
But I'm working on myself, somewhat. I can change myself for the better again, I just need to get down to it. It will happen eventually.
Friday, March 5, 2010
Looking forward.
Postsecret is taking over my blog, whoops.
I've re-read a lot of my recent posts. It bugs me a lot how negative I am on here. I'm not nearly as negative in person, I just like to rant about all my problems on blogspot. I should really to to include more cheer in these posts :)!
Tomorrow I turn 18. Wow. It isn't really affecting me, but boy does time fly! It seems like only a week ago that I was six, and playing in my front yard. I feel like I should be more scared to turn 18, but I'm really not. I guess it's one of those things that gets you all wide-eyed scared when you're little, but as you approach it, minute by minute, it's not quite as intimidating. I look forward to my birthday dinner. Close friends, a Pizookie from BJs, a septum piercing, and a sleepover. That's all I really want to have a good birthday.
Yum yum, so excited to eat that!
I love how things are going right now. It feels like everyone is treating me amazingly, like everyone is on my side. It brings tears to my eyes knowing that I have so many REAL friends in high school, the place that's famous for backstabbers and such. I feel so blessed :D
Someone stole Michael's ipod out of his car today. I sort of wanted to throw up when we all realized it was gone. Some of the people at Sheldon make me sick, the way they can just steal from others in the blink of an eye. Ugh.
I've re-read a lot of my recent posts. It bugs me a lot how negative I am on here. I'm not nearly as negative in person, I just like to rant about all my problems on blogspot. I should really to to include more cheer in these posts :)!
Tomorrow I turn 18. Wow. It isn't really affecting me, but boy does time fly! It seems like only a week ago that I was six, and playing in my front yard. I feel like I should be more scared to turn 18, but I'm really not. I guess it's one of those things that gets you all wide-eyed scared when you're little, but as you approach it, minute by minute, it's not quite as intimidating. I look forward to my birthday dinner. Close friends, a Pizookie from BJs, a septum piercing, and a sleepover. That's all I really want to have a good birthday.
Yum yum, so excited to eat that!
I love how things are going right now. It feels like everyone is treating me amazingly, like everyone is on my side. It brings tears to my eyes knowing that I have so many REAL friends in high school, the place that's famous for backstabbers and such. I feel so blessed :D
Someone stole Michael's ipod out of his car today. I sort of wanted to throw up when we all realized it was gone. Some of the people at Sheldon make me sick, the way they can just steal from others in the blink of an eye. Ugh.
Sunday, February 21, 2010
Thursday, February 18, 2010
Some good.
I'm so happy I have friends who care enough about me to let me vent constantly for about three days straight. I love them :D
Monday, February 15, 2010
Lasting effects
Last night, as I tried to get to sleep, I found myself remembering that one time again. A year ago, when you slept over for the first time, and I read your texts. Your "phone was acting weird" and had "deleted some of your sent texts", but all I had to do was read your inbox to know what you had been saying. I saw texts saying things like, "okay bye, tell me if you get raped!" and "I'd be scared too. Hilary's kind of a creeper lol"
Two or three texts, that's all it took, and I've been traumatized ever since. I probably sound overdramatic, but if that's not it, then why have I been uncomfortable around all girls ever since? The stuff your stupid bitch friends (and you, probably) said hurt me so bad, and I'm still not over it. I get uncomfortable and nervous if I'm closer than a foot to a girl (mainly straight ones). I have this permanent phobia now that every girl is going to think I'm hitting on them, or that I want to rape them or whatever. I hate it so much. I think about that night all the time, and I've definitely cried over it. I wish I could just forget about it, I didn't even really like those girls that much. I guess it really just hurt because I know YOU, one of my close, trusted friends, was saying stuff like that too. That's the worst part.
I hope I'll get over it someday.
Two or three texts, that's all it took, and I've been traumatized ever since. I probably sound overdramatic, but if that's not it, then why have I been uncomfortable around all girls ever since? The stuff your stupid bitch friends (and you, probably) said hurt me so bad, and I'm still not over it. I get uncomfortable and nervous if I'm closer than a foot to a girl (mainly straight ones). I have this permanent phobia now that every girl is going to think I'm hitting on them, or that I want to rape them or whatever. I hate it so much. I think about that night all the time, and I've definitely cried over it. I wish I could just forget about it, I didn't even really like those girls that much. I guess it really just hurt because I know YOU, one of my close, trusted friends, was saying stuff like that too. That's the worst part.
I hope I'll get over it someday.
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