Daul Kim

I know I never update this, I practically abandoned it. But this came to my attention.

http://iliketoforkmyself.blogspot.com/

That is the blogspot of a supermodel named Daul Kim. On November 19, 2009, she committed suicide by hanging herself. Her boyfriend found her dead in her apartment. I forget exactly how I found out about it, I think I saw it in a girls fashion blog. But I googled it, and found Daul's blog. It was a well known blog by fans, she regularly updated it with her feelings, youtube videos, and her stories about her latest modeling work. It had been made private after her death, most likely by her family.

But a few days ago, I googled it again, and found it had been made public. Ever since then, I've been reading her entries, starting with her most recent (and last) one. As I read more and more, her death has affected me to a greater degree. I get the feeling from how she talks, and what she posts, that she was actually quite a bit like me, although more creative and strange in the good way. I almost feel like I actually knew her.

It's interesting how getting an insight into a persons head can affect you.

You're ruining us.

Last night was so stupid. The realization of my lack of interest, the security guard, your unspoken annoyance, the ending of the night. So stupid. I hadn't seen you in more than a week, and was glad to have a little jolt of "god, he's so cute" when I got in the car and saw you. Because it's never fun hooking up with someone you aren't into. You asked me, what do you want to do? I was tired, it was around 9, but I suggested we go find a place to make out, since I hadn't been able to kiss you or see you while you were in Ohio. And honestly, our last car-make-out session was fabulous. So we drove to Sheldon, parked in the back parking lot, and that's when I realized I wasn't into it. I thought, he's going to have bad breath again. He's going to hint at me to give him a blow job, and I don't want to. I sound like such a girl saying this, but I just wanted to cuddle. Barely even that, since the attraction has been fading. But of course, you dove right now, and I will say right now that bad breath=bad for kissing. I got my wish for a break when some random teenagers drove their car and parked somewhat near us, and got out and started talking. So we just sat there, me in your arms, and talked. But it wasn't like last time, where we had a great talk. It was more of quick stories, with long silences. And then THAT came up. "Why do you not like commitment so much? You've told me not to get attached, and you also told that to Cassie." "I wouldn't say I'm afraid of commitment. I'm just realistic. I know we're young, and we're not going to married until much later. So I tell girls not to get attached just so they remember that, so there isn't as much pain when it actually does end. You just really want to find someone who wants what YOU want, you know?" I'm thinking, "If you automatically assume your relationship isn't going to last, then how do you ever expect to find the right person?" I wish I had asked that now, but I didn't. Then you asked me how I felt about oral sex. Why don't you just leave that alone? I said, "I don't think I'd want to do that with anyone unless we had been actually dating for a while..." We talked about that for a bit, and I think you were realizing that the most YOU will get from me is kissing. I have grown up with a great father figure in my life. I've learned not to let myself be used or disrespected by boys. And I'm pretty sure that you aren't as into me as you used to be, you just consider me a good hookup to pass the time till college, and that you thought you could maybe get a blowjob out of me too. Which isn't happening. When we hung out a while ago, I asked you about other people. And you told me, "I'm actually glad you asked me that. I know sound like an asshole saying this, but I don't want you to get to attached, because I know I'll meet other girls in college." WHY DID YOU HAVE TO SAY THAT? You officially turned our relationship into a ticking time bomb after that. I feel like our relationship is going so downhill, because we both officially know that it's going to end anyways. I know, most relationships do end eventually. But hello, you're not supposed to think of it like that! You're supposed to live in the moment. But no, I have a "realist" like you, who gives unnecessary reality checks. Thanks..


Finally, the teenagers left, and I got you to take some gum. Thank goodness for whoever invented that incredible thing. You took your shirt off, I took off mine, but it was NOT the hot atmosphere that we had last time. After a while, a security van pulled up. It took me forever to get my shirt on, since I couldn't find it. You got out with your jacket on, and we both had to talk to the security guard. "You could get fined for trespassing. And if she's not 18, you could get in trouble for statutory rape (really? REALLY? Come on...) since I saw you both were naked." "We weren't naked, we just had no shirt on..." We figured everything out, just a report is going to be given to Sheldon so they can fine us if they want. But we had to go home. As you drove me home, you were quiet, and I realized something was wrong as we turned into my street. "Are you alright? You seem kind of unhappy.." "I'm a little upset". We pull into my driveway, you kill the car. "I don't know if we should keep this going...I don't think your parents like you hanging out with me." Then you started giving all these excuses; you're leaving for Europe in two weeks and won't have much time for me...when you get back, you won't have much time for me before college starts, you'll meet other girls in college, and what if you meet another girl before college, you know I won't like that, you know I'll be busy with school too, you can't give me a real relationship, which you think I want. I started throwing back at you. "I don't care, I don't care. It's fine. I like what we have right now, I don't need a relationship. I just want this to go on normally until you start college. Let's hang out normally until you go to Europe, then you can see how you feel when you get back. If you're still into it, we can keep going until college. I like having a boy."

You say, alright. Did you seem reluctant? I couldn't tell. But I don't think I want this anymore. I want the self esteem boost of having a cute boy. But I'm really not into you anymore, that much. You're cute, I can't ignore that. But we are so wrong for each other...Tahani described you as uptight, and I couldn't agree more. You are such a cool, amazing, fun guy...at first. But when I really, really got to hang out with YOU a lot, I started seeing to much immaturity in you. You're really kind of a douche sometimes, but nobody would realize that unless they'd hung out with you a LOT. I see now why you only hang out with your group of guy friends. They've grown up with you, so they're totally used to your bad qualities. We're not meant for each other though, we really aren't.

Tarot.com gives the most accurate love horoscopes I've EVER seen, so I do listen to its advice. "For the Week of Aug 2nd, 2010 -- This weekend is anything but settling for those seeking love. Sure, the romance planet Venus enters her endearing home sign Libra on Friday night, which increases interest in relationships, but she's encountering such turbulent planetary waters that relationships may be exciting but are unlikely to be easy."

And for my sign personally:

"Pisces Horoscopes
(Feb 19 - Mar 20)

For the Week of Aug 2nd, 2010 -- Sweet, sensitive Pisces, you were supposed to enjoy yourself this weekend with the Moon entering your 5th House of Romance on Friday. But Luna and loving Venus are crashing into crazy connections with complicated planets that can turn your head, your heart and your emotions every which way. Don't apply undue pressure on things that just aren't done cooking yet. "

See, I'm pretty sure that means I should not end our relationship yet...maybe it will look up? But it could also be applying to a certain other thing I have going on. Either way, I'm going to keep going with the flow.

http://www.tarot.com/astrology/weekly-love-horoscopes/pisces-horoscope/?weekof=20100802

:/

First problem, check.

Still alive!

It's been a LONG time since I updated this. Whenever I feel stirred by something lately, I just don't care to write about it. I find that most of the time, not making a big deal about it on here helps me get over it faster.

Things have been going good lately. It's very, very nice to have a boy. I can only hope this one doesn't end for a while. I'd at least like it to last through summer! It's great for my self esteem. I no longer have to feel like that girl who acts like "one of the guys". It feels great to prove that I can actually clean up enough to get a boy to like me. A cute one, at that :D


I make it sound like I only like him for an image boost haha it's not like that at all. It's really, really nice, to get kisses on the forehead, to hear that I look cute, and to cuddle. I think we're a great match too. He's the first boy I've liked in a LOOONG time where I can actually be myself around. Frat-boy type jokes, weird voices, etc. I can do all that around him without feeling like he's judging me. I always seem to go for guys who are A) judgemental and awkward, B) stupid and get bad grades, C) stoners, D) out of my league, or, E) all of the above. Not this one :D I really am happy with the good catch I got :]

Enough about that though. I'm beyond happy not to have school at the moment. Summer is just what I needed!

I found these on an anti-Mainstream Media project Flickr page. I normally find it annoying when people try to hard to do the whole rebellious-fuck-the-government-fuck-the-system-I-am-unique, just cause it's been turned into a fad before to do that. But these, I really like. On the Flickr page, above each picture, it always says, "Hey Mainstream Media! I am..."

"You won't always like what you have to do, but you gotta do it anyways."

Remember that, okay everyone?

I don't like this.

I don't like this, I don't like this, I really don't like this. I hate this. I have obsessed over this for waaaay too long. I'm being so immature, so childish. I wish I could just get over this.

It's hard to get over a wasted chance, that you were sooo close to. It's hard getting over the fact that you were screwed over. I don't know if I want to post this, the people who know what this is about will probably think that I need to move on really bad, when they see this. I need help moving on over it though! I don't know what's wrong with me, WHY does it still bother me so much?!

Old love

I focus so much on how I feel inside. I think it's a nice thing to make important, since a lot of people get to deep into a certain emotion before they really notice what's going on. And lately, I've just felt...quiet. There's nothing really there, just peace.

I've been drifting away from my religion lately. I hate it. I wish I had the devotion again. I used to pray before bedtime a lot. It feels weird admitting this, since I don't like to talk about my religious views much. It's just so personal, and besides, a part of the religions "rules", so to speak, basically say that it's not advised to discuss the religion/the works of the religion, with anyone who isn't a part of it. Because if you tell people about it, they tend to think you're a little weird. And their disbelief affects the power of your faith, and it doesn't work as well. If that makes sense? I probably sound so odd right now.

But really, I miss being really devoted to it. It gave me so much peace and happiness. There is a quote, "religon is the root of all evil". When I first saw it, I immediately thought of all the terrible things rooted in the beliefs of Christianity (homophobia, the holocaust, etc). But then I took my own religion into consideration, and backpedaled. My religion has held no responsibility for any evil. It teaches acceptance to everyone and everything, love of nature, and to be a good person. It teaches karma, so to speak.

"The Rule of Three (also Three-fold Law or Law of Return) is a religious tenet held by some Wiccans. It states that whatever energy a person puts out into the world, be it positive or negative, will be returned to that person three times."
When I have my good person moments, they are often inspired by just that. If only I had the devotion I used to.

I never discuss this with people, though. I refuse to be one of those people who shoves their religion down others throats. I don't even want to, anyways. It's a private joy for me, a safety net when things are going awful for me.
I miss it.