Thursday, January 7, 2010

Monday, January 4, 2010

My posts always make me sound so conceited :/

I care about what others think of me. I care a lot. I feel so refreshing admitting that, because soooo many people I know say they "don't give a fuck". And you know what?

Almost NONE of "idgaf" people have many friends. And if they do, they aren't that great of friends, or they don't stick around long. This reassures me that it's fine to care what people think of me, because I have plenty of friends. Why? Because I care enough to not do things that would make them not want to hang out with me. If that makes sense. Sure, I lose friends like everybody. But I always do, and pretty much always have, had plenty.

I don't want people to think I'm gross, mean, annoying, a party girl, a slut, whatever. Before I do something big, I constantly think about how it could potentially damage my reputation. Sure, I don't mind doing some annoying things, like yelling to my friends across the hall, or being the super talkative kid in class....but I don't see how girls can just hook up with dozens of guys while not giving a shit about the image they're setting in the public eye. I don't get how girls can draw all the attention to themselves CONSTANTLY without caring that they seem annoying. You know? Things like that. I value respect and friendship a lot, so I really try to keep all of that.

I occasionally have moments though, where I get comfortable, and I let something slip. I let my walls down. I do something that I know could get me less respect on a larger scale. I just did something like that, in fact. And it scared me. I don't like it. I don't like the thought of what I said just sitting there, exposed to everybody and their judgment. Okay, I make it sound like I think I'm the center of the world or something. I know I'm not! But I'm aware lots of people could see it, and it's making me nervous.