I always feel like I give off a nasty vibe because I think so many mean things about, like, everything. I keep about 90% of those things to myself, but still, you get the point. And I'm always so surprised when people are all happy and excited to see me.

I just feel like all the negativity would show on me and make people feel like they should stay away, you know?

♥

My religion makes me soo happy.
I just thought I would get that out :]

:/

Why am I so bad at keeping friendships strong? I've had dozens, DOZENS of people I've hung out, yet the only ones I've managed to keep a strong, constant friendship with are Kate and Danielle, and usually Lacey.
I get tired of people so fast, and they get tired of me too. I hate it. I hated being that girl who was really annoying and everyone got sick of fast back in middle school, but at least I always wanted to hang out with people. Now, I just kind of sit, and wonder who I can hang out with that I'm not tired of at the moment. I don't know why I do it. I tend to hang out with someone once, and then hardly ever talk to them again, unless they go to my school.


I miss everyone. I miss Casey, I miss Jordan, I miss Michael, I miss Kenny, I miss Hannah, I miss Jessica C, I miss Alison, I miss Mariah, I miss Nichole, I miss Kenzie, I miss Shelby, I miss Kayla, I miss Sylvie, I miss Noelle, I miss Mary, I miss Aubrie, I miss Ashley, I miss Erin, I miss Tus, I miss Joey N, I miss Sienna, I miss Cheyenne, I miss Britny, I miss Chelsea, I miss Savannah W, I miss Jami, I miss Sydney, I miss Naima, I miss Julia L, I miss Sharon, I miss Rinnell, I miss Aleah, I miss Brittany, I miss Tyler, + MANY more who I can't think of right now.

I haven't seen about 3/4s of those people in way, way to long. And it's all because I'm so lazy.
I decided I wanted people who were GOOD friends, so I weeded out the people who told everybody's secrets and didn't really treat their friends that well...and lost a few people.
People wanted to weed me out THEIR lives, and they did....and I lost even more of those people.
I hung out with everyone at some point, then got to lazy to keep in contact with them that often...and lost just about all of the remaining people.
And now? I have almost no close friends anymore. They're all just people I talk to from time to time. I can hardly remember who the majority of my old, middle school friends were, since it's been so long.

I would have so many more friends if I just weren't so picky. Unless someone is an ULTRA close friend of mine, then I will judge them and not trust them if they tell me other peoples secrets, or talk shit about their other friends. Because if they can do that about other people, then what's to stop them to doing that about me? I know I have flaws, so I know there's a chance they would. I'm not stupid, I usually know when someone is going to hurt me. And to avoid that, I drop the person. Unfortunately, that backfired on me and I have almost nobody now.


I would still trust so many of my old friends, and tell them my secrets. I just need to see them all again :/

I need more friends please?

Mommy <3

I've always loved my mom, I've always thought she was so cool. We've had our bad moments, but I've always been a mommas girl, and most likely always will be.
And today, it just proved to me once again how great she is.


We went to go get me re-evaluated for ADHD, and my mom sat in with me while the lady was asking me questions.

"What do you and your parents fight about?
"Do you ever get depressed?"
"What are your hobbies?"

Easy questions, answered in a snap. Then...

"Have you ever tried pot, Hilary?"

How do I get out of that? I, and many other high schoolers, have. But that's not something I want to admit in front of my mom. But just like that, my mom is cool with it. "It's okay honey, go ahead. I know you have."

I sort of fidget, and say, "....maybe once or twice....but I didn't like it." Then I look at my mom and say, "I mean that mom. I really didn't like it." and she just nods and looks at me like it's fine.

"Have you ever drank alcohol, Hilary?"

Again, stop asking me these things in front of my mom! But before I can speak, my mom goes again. "Yes, she has. I know she has. One time, she made this video for a friend where she took a swig of rum...blah blah" and just like that, she's fine with it. Nothing in her tone of voice that's bad. No looks at me like, "we're having a talk later" or "I can't believe you". Just total casualness.

And then, "last question like this, Hilary. Have you ever smoked a cigarette?"

I just make a retching noise and stick out my tongue. And my mom laughs and says, "I'm sure she has haha. Everyone her age has at some point, I'm sure."

This whole time, she has a nice, easy, good hearted tone. She knows I've smoked, she knows I've drank, and is fine with it. No anger, no resentment, and the biggest relief of all, no disappointment. Don't get me wrong, my mom would definitely be pissed off if she caught me doing any of that stuff red handed. She's not one of those trashy, irresponsible moms who let their kids go out and get wasted. She's a good mommy.
But I'm so, so glad, that she was cool with hearing all that. On the drive home, it didn't get mentioned once. There wasn't a bad vibe in the air, just neither of us mentioned it. Like she just got over it. It feels like a wall between us got knocked down, and I'm so relieved ♥

ps. After that, she took me to Borders and got me two new books. And then took me home and cut me up some watermelon :]]] See? Great mom!

: I :] : I

I'm glad you talked to me yesterday.
I'm glad you didn't offer to be friends again.
I'm glad you didn't tell me we should hang out sometime.
I'm glad the conversation wasn't super awkward.
I'm glad you had the kindness to ask me how I was, and give me details on the drama in your life lately.
I'm glad you didn't reply when I told you to text me again sometime (because I regret saying it).
I'm fine with the fact that we're not friends anymore.
But I'm very glad to know that you don't hate me.

Negative thoughts controlled my world

When we were talking on AIM a while ago, and I was explaining my situation to you, you told me to just ask you know who, "is ____ mad at me? Because she won't talk to me!" and then if she gave kind of a vague answer, for me to say, "well could you please ask her to call me or something? Cause I really want to talk to her." Thank you so much for that. Not just because it was good advice, but you opened my eyes to something. What you were suggesting just sounded so innocent, but at the same time, it wasn't a way to beat around the bush. It was just a way to ask what was up, and a way of asking for her to tell me the truth. And I hadn't done that kind of thing is quite a while. This probably makes no sense, and it might get a little more confusing here.

For the last several months, without it realizing it at ALL, I've subtly convinced myself that almost nobody is a good person, with some exceptions. That all boys are bad news. That I can hardly trust anyone besides you and about two other people, maybe one. That this world is way darker than it really is, and I should just rely on myself to get through it. Well, rely on you too of course (you're one of the few people who NEVER is subjected to my negative thoughts and paranoia about trusting). The best way I can describe this feeling is that all I've been seeing is blackness. Like my eyes were closed. I don't know why. I think it started when I noticed that a lot of people told secrets, and talked shit about their friends. For a long time lately, I've been using subtle, manipulative methods to find out things, and try and solve problems. Because I don't want to cause drama. That's pretty much the main reason. I don't want to cause fights or piss people off. I don't want to get in peoples faces. And that fear got way out of control, and became my main way of dealing with fights and problems.
When you told me, all casually and normal, to just ask, it was like my eyes were suddenly wide open. That's even more proof to me that you don't let any negativity in this world get to you, and that you do see good in everybody. The way you suggested that to me told me that you didn't think anything super bad would happen if I just asked, like, "what's the worst that can happen if she just asks?", while I had written off "just asking" long ago, without even knowing it. Because I had accidentally convinced myself that if I was that direct about everything, people would get annoyed, or mad, and something bad would happen. While you on the other hand, knew that most people are better than that, and it would go just fine and dandy if I just asked. And it did.

This has potential to become extremely long and complicated of a post, so I will just say this:
Thank you for reminding me (without even realizing it) to be upfront, and to just do what I need to. This is such a random time to post this, but really. Thank you.

Nervous

I wish I had a treadmill right now, so I could run off this feeling without going outside. I always tend to get side aches, or get tired to fast, when I run outside. Sooo doing it inside is my thang ♥

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KBFDHBFGHJHJBDFHJDFG

Oh my god

I have to post this now, while the feeling is still here.


I just looked at a newish picture of you, and wow, all the memories and feelings it brought back. It's too bad we're not friends anymore. Well okay, it's actually kind of good because of all those reasons, but man, I feel like we'd still be having just as much fun as we used too. I mean, we go all the way back to 6th grade, when you were my best friend.


Do I miss having you in my life though? Barely.

Sorry, this post is kind of pointless.